So In Conclusion...

Wow, 30 days came and went. This was fun…well, I had fun. I’m glad I made it to the end. I set a goal and accomplished it. The whole point was to start a new routine, or develop a new habit, and I’m not sure I got all the way there. I mean, I did what I set out to do, sure, but it was almost like homework some days. I want to WANT to write, and some days I just didn’t feel like I had anything to say, or maybe just not anything new or exciting or interesting. I think just going through the motions is good though. Putting some words on a page everyday; not everything I write is going to be amazing and life-altering, but there might be something in one of those uninteresting piles of words that sets me down a path towards something worthwhile, and if I hadn’t sat down even though I didn’t feel like it, I wouldn’t have gotten there. I guess I figure and hope that writing is like working out; even a ‘bad’ workout is better than none at all. Even if you don’t feel awesome about it or you don’t feel like you accomplished as much as you should’ve, at least you got dressed in your snazzy gym outfit and went through the motions.

I don’t know if I’ll keep posting everyday, but I definitely don’t want to stop writing. I think it’d be fun to try some similar experiment with stories, but maybe like one per week instead of one per day. Little short stories, start developing that skill, see where that goes. I don’t really know what I expected as far as page traffic or support from anyone, but I had a few friends who were reading this thing everyday and giving me feedback and really making me feel like I was doing something of value; and for that I am grateful…I almost feel like I should keep doing it just to give them something new to read everyday. I’m a big advocate of people reading and not just watching Youtube or the latest garbage on TV…though Youtube and TV garbage both have their moments.

I think something I need to look into is doing a podcast, that would be super fun, in my head at least. I have to figure out how to make that happen. I have tons of stuff in my brain still that I want to get outside of my head and see how it looks in the daylight and having a venue where I can talk to friends and associates about these things would just make me super happy.

I dunno, what did you all do in the last 30 days? This isn’t meant to be smug or douche-y, I suppose I just want the fives of people reading this to take stock and see if the last month has been same ol’, same ol’, or if maybe you stepped out of your comfort zone once or twice or changed up your routine, or started a new book, or took up a new hobby, or cleaned out the garage…anything new, exciting or notable?? If not, I’ll never know and I wouldn’t judge if I did know, I just thought I’d put it out there. This is the end of the original challenge but hopefully the beginning of a new, less specific challenge to keep writing and eventually say something meaningful and important. Thank you for going through this with me.

Susie Homemaker

I’ve been sitting/walking/laying around my apartment for the last thirty minutes or more trying to think about what to write about today. I think for some reason I had it in my brain that being that this is the second to last day of my challenge, that I should have something heavy or meaningful to say…not at the moment. I’m tired. Not tired of writing or of the challenge, just tired. 

Today wasn’t particularly notable or tiring, though I did make a bunch of snickerdoodles. And by ‘I’, of course I mean I had help from a friend with a lot more kitchen/baking experience than I have; ie a girl, hah, boom, sexist joke achieved! Moving right along...I’ve been trying to come up with healthy ways to still eat like a fat kid lately. I still love sugar and crappy foods, I just keep myself away from them and then think of ‘healthy’ ways that I can still have them. A couple weeks ago, me and a friend entered and won a cupcake contest with a gluten-free avocado, coconut and pistachio cupcake. Since then, I’ve wanted to get back in the game and come up with more ideas that people haven’t really messed with yet, at least not in the gluten-free/health food world. Then, I started thinking about basics, foundational knowledge, and thought it might be a good idea to start with something super basic and see what we could do with it and then go from there. That’s where the snickerdoodles came in. Basically we just subbed out ‘bad’ fats, butter and shortening, for ‘good’ fats, avocado and coconut oil, and instead of white sugar, we used half the recommended amount and used brown sugar and a little stevia. If we had subbed out the eggs for almond milk or something, the cookies would’ve been vegan, but I have no desire to go full-throttle into the world of the vegans; I have no problem with eggs, so they stayed. Anyway, we kept the cinnamon and sugar on the outside of the cookies and cut down the temp and cooking time and these guys turned out pretty good, especially for a first batch. Using these for reference, now we can go back and make little revisions to try to really dial it in and formulate our own reliable recipe. Finishing this first run also gave us some further ideas for future cookies and breads, which I’m definitely excited about trying out.

I’m excited that I might be able to help create some healthy, not cardboard, tasting treats because a lot of what’s available to us, even with all the gluten-free and vegan options, are just crap. They’re ‘healthier’ but they’re just as processed and just as full of shit I can’t pronounce as the ‘unhealthy’ stuff. Ideally, I’d like to take things as far back to basics as possible and still make them tasty. I want to remove all the extra crap and just come up with some recipes or guides that provide full taste and less mental and physical grief afterwards. For now, this is all just a hobby, but I love to cook, and I love to eat…If I had more hours in the day, or did crack or something, I could do music and create the healthiest best tasting cookies ever…I think I can still make that happen, it might just take me a little longer than I’d like. Until then, no Oreos are safe...especially those birthday cake ones.

Light a Fire

The way I see it, there’s two ways to look at regrets; you can regret things you did, or you can regret things you didn’t do. With the things you did, they’re done; feeling bad or regretting what has happened won’t change anything and you could spend days, months or years wallowing in some sort of suspended animation and despondent emptiness over something that you will never have the power to change. We’re probably all guilty of this from time to time, and maybe it’s for the best, because it gives us some perspective on what’s important. I’ve immediately regretted things I’ve said and done in my life, but all I can do is learn from those mistakes, I can’t change history; that stuff happened. I said those things and I did those things. Now, having made those choices, I can make better ones in the future...hopefully.

If you’re sitting around regretting things you haven’t done, get up and go do them. That version of regret is fixable. Buy a ticket to Europe, take the job you’re afraid of because it’s a challenge, go talk to the girl that makes your coffee every morning. I’m no expert at all, but the way I see it, the worst case in most scenarios where you take a leap of faith, is that you end up right back where you started. But at least you tried; at least you stood up and put yourself out there. If you didn’t reach your goal, or the goal you thought you wanted, you can be disappointed or sad, but you won’t have any reason to regret it.

And maybe that brings up a different point, a slightly different road you can walk down…let’s say you have a dream in mind, a plan, a goal. You set out to achieve it and you fall short of the boats and hoes but you get the house and kids. Is it at least a version of the dream you envisioned? If it is, that’s still a success in my mind. Everyone who has dreams of something bigger and better for themselves has a picture in mind, but no way of knowing, aside from TV or movies, if our mental picture is even remotely similar to what’s attainable in the real world. Obviously, there will be times where your picture wasn’t half as amazing as you imagined; but there will also be times where you set out on a path and don’t get to what you imagined as your ultimate goal. However, if you are happy, and you can look back and know you gave it everything you had, I would take that as a huge success. You went out and ‘DID’ while the majority of people on the planet simply existed.

There’s this article that’s been floating around the internet for a while about deathbed regrets and the five things most people say they with the would have done…quick side note, it’s the five things they wish the WOULD have done, not the things they wish they WOULDN’T have done. Anyway, they basically boil down to living the life they wanted to live and not the one that others wanted them to live, not working so hard, staying in touch with friends, expressing their feelings and letting themselves be happier. Before this article existed, one of my biggest fears was that I would live my life and be mediocre; knowing full well that I have the tools to be great. 

Since moving to Seattle two years ago, I haven’t been immune to that fear, but it’s kept me motivated and moving forward. I try to use the fear as a barometer to point me at what’s truly important; the more it scares me, the more I want to put it off until tomorrow, the more I see clearly that THAT is the direction I need to go. I don’t think that living a regret-free life is easy, if it were there’d be a lot more happy people in the world, but I think that if you want it and make it happen, you will get more from this life than most other people. You’ll have more experiences to share with your kids, you’ll have more laughs with your friends, and you’ll probably even suffer greater defeats than anyone else you know. But when the smoke clears, wouldn’t you rather have been out on the field knowing you gave it everything you had, rather than watching from the sidelines and being too afraid to step up and make a play? I would. 

I Found Naches, Washington, What Did You Do Today?

Chinookfest 2014, achieved.

Woke up at 7, snoozed my alarm until entirely too late. Got up, ate a bowl of cereal, and finished watching Crocodile Dundee 2. Got on my bike and went for a quick four mile ride and came home to shower and finish getting CD’s burned. Put my bass and pedals in their cases and packed up some extra clothes, just in case; you never know. Got the car loaded and headed out around 9:30. The drive out to Naches is really scenic, that’s the somewhat manly way to say that it’s a beautiful drive. If you haven’t gone east that far out I’d definitely recommend it. It was perfectly clear today and the whole way out you could see Rainier on the horizon, still covered in snow. I really want to climb that mountain. Anyway, we got there in pretty good time and pulled around to the ‘VIP’ parking area behind the stages. Basically the way they have it set up is there’s two stages, and they’re set up pretty close together, but not right on top of each other. Each band gets a 40 minute set, and they alternate stages so as soon as one band is done on one side, the other side starts about five minutes later, unless you’re one of the headliners and then you play later in the evening and get an hour. The break in between bands gives people the time to go the bathroom or get food or just move to the other stage area and get situated. When we arrived, we got our passes and food vouchers for the day, awesome. Then we found out that we got complimentary Liberty water bottles that were custom printed with the Chinookfest logo and date and everything. Some had the complete band lineup on them; so cool. And then, oh yeah, there’s more; and then we got custom printed Chinookfest beer! Like full-on commemorative, made for the event cans. What an awesome way to get welcomed to an event. Everyone running things there and helping out, from the event staff to the food vendors, was super awesome and very nice. The crowd was into all the bands throughout the day, and they made us feel like a million bucks after every song. We finished up our set and packed up our gear and grabbed some food. Our good friends in Vaudeville Etiquette played on the same stage as we did right after us, so we had about 45 minutes to get settled in before they played. Their set was great, as usual. They even had some sound/power issues but they powered through like professionals; great band, great people. The same can be said for all the bands I watched and met today.

I sincerely hope we get to play this fest again next year. It was a totally easy and wonderful experience from beginning to end and the people putting it on should know that. You guys are badasses, Hi5’s all around.

Stupid Instagram...

I did something stupid and pointless yesterday; well it wasn’t even yesterday so much as it was really early this morning…I checked up on an X that I thought I had made my peace with. And not only was it stupid and pointless, it made me feel uncomfortable feelings and my stomach has been all weird today and my head has been all cloudy. None of that makes any sense considering I’m fine with what I saw, that is to say that I’m happy for her. I’m happy that she’s happy and I’m happy that she has a boy; I suppose I just don’t want to see it or have to deal with it or think about it at all. It’s petty and stupid that this even approaches the theme of ‘if I can’t have her that I don’t want anyone to have her’, because I don’t want her. I’ve been there and I know it doesn’t work, but it’s not like I didn’t care and it’s not like it was easy to leave…it was actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know it was the right thing.

Anyway, Instagram is a cruel mistress and now I know she’s happy and now I know what he looks like. I know she’s happy because I know what her happy not faking it smile looks like, and I know what those eyes look like, too. I thought I was past the point of having my heart yanked around by this particular situation. I thought after we last spoke that I was being sincere when I told her I wanted her to be happy even if it meant that we couldn’t find room in each other’s lives for the other anymore. I meant it, I wanted to mean it, I thought I meant it. What the hell man. I'm over her and I, but I'm not over the way our friendship ended, and seeing the reason it ended in the form of a person, well that just didn't sit well. I had the option to be there and I passed on it, more than once. I came up short when I was given the opportunity; I wasn’t willing to put everything I had into making it work. I thought I was ready every time we started up, and I walked up to the plate and was taking all the way. I never brought my bat off my shoulder. This baseball metaphor doing anything for you?? I said the words and went through the motions but couldn’t ever get my heart fully engaged. But I’ve learned from it and that has to count for something, right...maybe.

This is totally for the best. She deserves to be happy and deserves to be made to feel like she’s the only girl in the whole world everyday. I hope that she trusts him and I hope he never gives her a reason not to.

There’s maybe three girls that this could be about and I’d be willing to bet the one that thinks it’s about one of the other two would be surprised to know it’s about her. That’s what makes her who she is. She always puts other people before herself, even when the situation would absolutely excuse her putting herself first. She is one of the best people I’ve had the privilege to know and has put up with more of me being stupid and indecisive and immature than anyone ever did, and still wanted to be there. I miss my friend, but I'm glad she's found someone that makes her happy.

13 Years Ago Today...

I woke up and made breakfast just like any other day. I think somewhere between brushing my teeth and getting my backpack all situated for the day my dad or grandpa said something about a plane flying into a building, but that was it, no specifics. I walked to school and when I got there a bunch more people were talking about this building and a plane and that’s when I started getting more information; it was a passenger plane and it flew into one of the World Trade Center buildings. That didn’t make sense, why would a plane fly into a building? Was the navigation messed up? Did someone hijack it and not know how to fly it? In first period, we just had the TV on and we watched the video of the second plane actually hitting the second tower. Nobody had all the information yet; every ten minutes, the stories evolved and shifted. After first period our Principal came on the school intercom and basically said if anyone wanted or needed to leave that could and should. I remember a few kids were joking around that it would be a free day off and considered leaving. I even considered it for a second because if we weren’t going to get any school work done, then I could just go watch TV at home and stay up on the story. The rest of the day is a blur of information, pictures, girls crying in class and in between classes. At some point early on in the morning the towers came down. I remember not really knowing what to think. I was trying to think if I might know anyone in New York; would my uncle have been there visiting randomly from his home in Connecticut? Should I call him? 

I think for that whole first day the gravity of the situation didn’t fully sink into my brain or my heart. Over the course of the next couple days and weeks more information became available and everyone started forming their opinions. I remember that planes were grounded and somehow a few celebrities who were in other countries made the news because they still got to fly home or something like that. Audio of people calling their loved-ones from the planes; video of people jumping from the buildings; information about the plane/missile that hit the Pentagon all became topics of conversation and were immediately recognized by everyone. Obviously the conspiracy talk started and all sorts of stories started coming to the surface and then everyone started forming their opinions about all of that. That’s super not the point and I’m not going to get into it.

I still see bumper stickers or decals on cars that say ‘Never Forget’ and have 9/11 on them or FDNY or some combination of the two sentiments. There are definitely days where I’m like, ‘no duh, dude, of course we won’t forget. How could we?’ But I think most days we do forget that this tragedy happened, and we forget that for a brief moment human beings were all on the same side (not all, but most). We forget shit if it happened two weeks ago, let alone 13 years. I don’t remember everything about that day, but I remember that it was cloudy and it was starting to feel like winter and it was my senior year in high school. I remember watching that second plane hit the tower. I remember briefly thinking that I should feel something more and I was almost angry at movies for desensitizing me, because the plane didn’t make an appropriately sized explosion. I remember watching the buildings come down and I remember feeling empty and confused and overwhelmed and angry all at once. I also felt, honestly for the first time, and maybe the only time, a sense of Patriotism. This is my country and we were attacked and that’s some bullshit and we should do something about it…….I definitely don’t remember 9/11 everyday, but I sure as hell will never forget it either. 

Montana in Review

My dad has a place about 20 miles off the main road and if you haven’t ever been that far off the grid, it’s an experience I highly recommend. I don’t know if I could live out there full-time, but it’s definitely a place I really like to visit. Being out there puts different things in perspective. It makes different things priorities. Chores and projects are done because if you don’t do them, you will be cold or hungry or without food or electricity. Maybe it’s something as simple as mowing the couple acres of lawn because if you don’t, you’re encouraging potential fire to get up closer to your home. Maybe it’s as easy as reorganizing your storage shed so that you know what all you have and where exactly it is in the even that you need extra large tarps or packing materials or a battery charger. Maybe it’s setting up more solar panels so you can save the generator for emergencies. You might need to clear out some dead trees or build a new structure to store wood or tools out of the weather. It’s just cool that you’re out there doing things that directly affect your next move, your next day. If you fall behind, you need to reassign importance and figure out what really needs to be done before the weather gets to a point where you just sit inside in front of your wood-burning stove for days on end. They say that there’s two seasons in Montana: winter and construction. If you fall behind during construction season, you’re setting yourself up for a harder winter and winter there isn’t messing around.

You don’t get caught up in any drama, there’s no cell reception and no internets: you have plenty of time to think and breathe deeply and while you’re trying to get things completed in a certain time frame, there’s not a feeling of being rushed. Things feel simpler there. The people are kind and generous and selfless. The wildlife goes on about their day like you aren’t even there, and in all fairness, you’re totally on their turf anyway. The hikes are legit and you better bring a gun and some food and water, because you can be out all day and you'll just end up food for wolves or mountain lions if you don't pay attention.  The weather can change in minutes and then change right back. The last time I went to visit, the second day I was there it was clear then snowed and then was cloudy and then was clear; five times it went through that pattern. The quiet is complete and almost stifling once all the animals go to sleep. There’s just no sounds, it’s a little eerie and takes some getting used to. When sky is clear at night and the moon is full or close to it, it’s actually so bright it makes it hard to see the stars and it’s almost as light out as dawn or dusk all night. That said, when the moon is half or less, the stars are amazing and even though we're in a valley and don't have a huge view of the sky, there's more stars than I've ever seen. 

I guess all of that is to say that Montana is pretty freakin’ sweet and I’m already looking forward to my next visit.