Stupid Instagram...

I did something stupid and pointless yesterday; well it wasn’t even yesterday so much as it was really early this morning…I checked up on an X that I thought I had made my peace with. And not only was it stupid and pointless, it made me feel uncomfortable feelings and my stomach has been all weird today and my head has been all cloudy. None of that makes any sense considering I’m fine with what I saw, that is to say that I’m happy for her. I’m happy that she’s happy and I’m happy that she has a boy; I suppose I just don’t want to see it or have to deal with it or think about it at all. It’s petty and stupid that this even approaches the theme of ‘if I can’t have her that I don’t want anyone to have her’, because I don’t want her. I’ve been there and I know it doesn’t work, but it’s not like I didn’t care and it’s not like it was easy to leave…it was actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know it was the right thing.

Anyway, Instagram is a cruel mistress and now I know she’s happy and now I know what he looks like. I know she’s happy because I know what her happy not faking it smile looks like, and I know what those eyes look like, too. I thought I was past the point of having my heart yanked around by this particular situation. I thought after we last spoke that I was being sincere when I told her I wanted her to be happy even if it meant that we couldn’t find room in each other’s lives for the other anymore. I meant it, I wanted to mean it, I thought I meant it. What the hell man. I'm over her and I, but I'm not over the way our friendship ended, and seeing the reason it ended in the form of a person, well that just didn't sit well. I had the option to be there and I passed on it, more than once. I came up short when I was given the opportunity; I wasn’t willing to put everything I had into making it work. I thought I was ready every time we started up, and I walked up to the plate and was taking all the way. I never brought my bat off my shoulder. This baseball metaphor doing anything for you?? I said the words and went through the motions but couldn’t ever get my heart fully engaged. But I’ve learned from it and that has to count for something, right...maybe.

This is totally for the best. She deserves to be happy and deserves to be made to feel like she’s the only girl in the whole world everyday. I hope that she trusts him and I hope he never gives her a reason not to.

There’s maybe three girls that this could be about and I’d be willing to bet the one that thinks it’s about one of the other two would be surprised to know it’s about her. That’s what makes her who she is. She always puts other people before herself, even when the situation would absolutely excuse her putting herself first. She is one of the best people I’ve had the privilege to know and has put up with more of me being stupid and indecisive and immature than anyone ever did, and still wanted to be there. I miss my friend, but I'm glad she's found someone that makes her happy.