I'm headed to Montana for a few days and though I should have internet at least twice a day, if there's any reason I can't get online, I'll be sure to come back and get all the backlog of blogs up. I'll be writing regardless of internet connectivity.
I remember one of my ex's used to always want to take vacations or 'get away' for a few days, like it was a really consistent thing she wanted to do. And while for the most part you'll never get any arguments from me, the reasons she wanted to leave were always just the freakin' worst...I'm stressed out from work, I just need to get away from all the drama, I'm feeling to pent up in the city, blah blah blah. It isn't even that the reasons in the right context are bad, it was always her saying them that just made me roll my eyes. It's like, you don't do anything all day anyway, you work when you want, and you cause the drama for yourself, and you moved to the city and always talk about how much you love it. Now, to be fair, because I'm really good at that, we did go away very early on in our relationship and have a good vacation...oh, no, wait...my mistake; we had 3/4 of a good vacation. The day we left she tried to break up with me, it's all coming back to me now. She loved the idea of going away and what it represented and could be, but she didn't ever just let it breath and BE that, she had to futs it up.
**Just a quick sidebar; I don't want to come off bitter or anything, I think all this stuff is funny now, so keep that in mind when you read. The tone is sarcastic on the positive side, not the sandy vagina side.
So anyway, after that experience, every time she wanted to get away, I would just think, 'but you'll be there. Wherever you go, you'll still be there and you're the root of your own issues.' Eventually it didn't even bother me anymore and I stopped even trying to rationalize it in my own head. It didn't seem like there was ever a time where she actually settled in, set her sights on something and made it happen. She would talk a big game and she would always start moving in that direction, but as soon as that happened she would lose interest or get so overwhelmed with life beating down on her that she just had to get away. So she'd spend money she didn't have because she wasn't working while she was trying to get whatever project off the ground, and go visit family or just get out of town for a few days...and then she'd invariably come back as stressed out or more than when she left because on top of everything, now she was broke too. That meant she had to go back to the job she hated and work harder than before just to make up for 'getting away'...and of course that meant she had to put off whatever project she thought she wanted to do too, which would stress her out even more.
**These are patterns that took me a while to start recognizing ok, nobody's perfect :).
I suppose the reason that's on my mind is that it made such an impression on me that when I go to leave town on my own, I always run a quick checklist to make sure I'm not trying to run away from myself. Is everything going ok at home: yup. Is everything ok at work: yup. Are my personal relationships going well: as far as I know...stuff like that. I just want to make sure I'm going away not running away.
This particular trip is partly for myself and partly to help my dad. The winters in Montana get a little brisk and there's this snowy stuff that falls out of the sky and can cause quite the hubbub if you're just one person tending to a few animals and a chunk of land. I'm basically going out there to help him get a few things in order before the weather turns crazy cold and it'll also give me a chance to get out of my set routine here and recharge my batteries for the remainder of the year...hopefully. I like going out there because there's nothing unnecessary; we eat, we talk, we work and then we do it again the next day. Sometimes it's nice to just disconnect for a bit, refocus, and then come back to the real world.
Like I said above though, I don't intend to fall behind on my challenge. I'm going to figure out a way to get online or write physical entries and then transcribe them when I get back next week.
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