I thought I might rant about lazy fucks who want to go to
the gym for an hour a week and come out looking like, I dunno, fill in the
blank with whoever you think is sexy…Just to clarify, my name is spelled just
like the religion ;) Moving right along
So you want to get in shape and you saw a P90X infomercial
and figured you’d give it a try, awesome. You should. That said, you haven’t
been in a gym maybe ever and you had to search under a pile of empty, greasy fast food bags
to find your cell phone so you could order the DVD’s. This road might not be as
short as you’d like. Fear not, there’s another commercial coming up in like 30
seconds that will tell you all about some brand new crazy fat burner pill that
you can buy and you won’t even have to work out. Just look at the sexy girl in
the commercial, problem solved. No, wait, my mistake, you should probably wait
until the next commercial break in your Duck Dynasty marathon because there’s
bound to be an advertisement for a local surgeon who you can pay to just suck
the fat away and give you that summer beach body you’ve always wanted.
OR, you could get off your ass and make a few changes to
your daily routine and resign yourself to the fact that this flab to fab
transformation might not be as short of a road as you’d like, but when you get
there, you’ll be that much better for the experience. Losing weight and/or
getting into shape isn’t easy, if it were, everyone would look like David
Beckham or Scarlett Johansen, and in case you haven’t walked around your local
mall or main street lately, they don’t. You’re probably going to have to get up
early and/or stay up late. You’re going to have to prep your meals for the
week. You’re going to have to spend at least an hour in the gym, or equivalent
time at home doing a revised routine, every other day if not every day. You’re
going to have to eat MORE not LESS food and eat more times throughout the day.
You’re going to be sore. You’re going to be tired. You’re going to want to
stop, quit, put it off till tomorrow. You’re going to cry. You might even shit
yourself, though it’s definitely not required. This is the road less traveled
and it’s not a straight shot to the top.
It’s super frustrating to hear people complain about their
diet or workout routine not working for them. There will always be exceptions
to the rule, but I’m not addressing those people. I’m talking to the vast
majority who give a diet one week to make them skinny then trash it. The people
who go to the gym in their fancy new workout clothes and come out looking just
as good as when they went in. Where to even begin with that shit: first off,
going to the gym isn’t a beauty pageant, you shouldn’t look ‘good’ when you get
there or when you leave. You should be appropriately dressed to move around a lot
and get sweaty. If you go to leave the gym and you aren’t sweating, you better
turn your happy ass around and get back in there and actually DO some work.
Secondly: why are you buying fancy workout clothes when ideally you’ll be too
small, or too muscular for them in the next few weeks. Find some grubby clothes
in the back of your closet or get some cheap on-sale shit from your local
wherethefuckever and wear that. Thirdly: if you’re a girl and you’re at the gym
there are three acceptable hair options: ponytail, bun or either of those under
a hat. (ok realistically just do whatever you want that keeps you from tossing
your hair around like you’re in some pretend shampoo commercial. If you want to
meet a guy, meet him later, you’re here to get work done)
Back to the point; your diet or workout routine is failing
because you didn’t give it enough time or follow it properly because you
thought doing it half-assed should would be good enough. If good enough were
good enough, then you wouldn’t have gotten the balls for 30 seconds to decide
you should go on a diet and/or go to the gym. Give your diet more time to work;
a week just isn’t good enough. You didn’t get fat in a week, you aren’t going
to get skinny in a week. In addition, you shouldn’t expect one hour in the gym
and a better diet to solve all your problems if you sit behind a desk for 8 to
10 hours a day. You’re going to have to get up and move a few times throughout
the day. Use your breaks to walk around, stretch out, break up the monotony.
And let’s be honest, you aren’t going to the gym everyday anyway, are you? Of
course not. You might have started out going everyday for the first couple
weeks, then you tapered off. Now you might be going a couple times, maybe three
or four, and it’s not an hour it’s more like thirty minutes and if you can’t
get on your machines sometimes you just walk around…Jusus H. people! Either do
it or don’t do it, but don’t buy the DVD’s or get the gym membership and the
personal trainer and then bitch about a lack of results when you don’t put in
the work. Own your shit.
And those diet pills won’t make you look anything like the
models in the commercials. Those guys/girls work out everyday, I guarantee it.
And if you opt for the surgery, you might as well just put the money in a
blender and drink it, because if you don’t change your habits, all you’re doing
is resetting the clock a little bit and then hitting play again and before you
know it, you’ll be fitting back in your favorite fat guy t-shirts and filling
out your huge ass imprint on the couch.
And just to clarify, I’m not hating on big folks. If you
want to be big, do it up. Like I said above, just own your shit. If you’re big
and you’re content with that, that’s your business. When I get involved or when
it starts becoming other people’s business is when you’re big and you want to
get small and you bitch and moan about the results you aren’t seeing because of
the work you aren’t doing. It makes me want to slap you in the face with a
frying pan.
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