Welcome to Thunderdome

It’s 10:43 now and I’m sitting on my couch in the living room eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon while I write this. I know, I know, don’t be jealous. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more to say, but for tonight I leave you with some random shit that actually occupies space in my brain…yes this might sound a bit like stoned ramblings, and no I’m not currently stoned. Don’t let the ‘eating peanut butter out of the jar’ thing fool you, that’s just a thing I do. Bring on the random...

I have this super ridiculous expectation of other people to always be on time and always answer their cell phones if I call/text. It’s super unrealistic, I’m aware it’s super unrealistic. In a lot of cases it’s probably not even fair. That said, I always want everyone else around me to be punctual and have their cell phones handy…I would also like for them to be understanding, because chances are better than not that I’m going to call when I’m running late to wherever I expect them to be on time...

I was thinking today that I should start a new instagram account where I just point at stuff. I was looking at a couple pictures on my current account where I was pointing at my hair and my t-shirt, and somehow the next thought that came to mind was: I should point at random stuff all the time and document it for friends and strangers. The sad thing about that is it might actually be a good/funny idea that people latch onto and spread to their friends and their friends’ friends. I don’t know if I’m prepared to be that guy.

There used to be this show on TV that I watched all the time, weekly probably, where this girl could freeze and unfreeze time when she touched her two pointer fingers together. I think about the benefits of having that power all the time…it bounces around in my head with all the other totally worthwhile thoughts I have. How awesome would it be to not actually lose a whole day of your life if you wanted to catch up on your current Netflix obsession? Or you could use it like Bill and Ted did in the second movie (though they had a time machine, they didn’t freeze time) to get super good at their instruments super fast. I mean there’s obviously countless things one could do with essentially infinite time, these are just some of the random things I think about because I’m not a smooth criminal who would go steal some shit whilst everyone was frozen. Oh I think she could unfreeze people she touched while time was frozen…I don’t know if I would use that portion of the power as often. I feel like I would freeze time to get away from people. It would be cool to trip out your friends who live hours away by freezing time while you’re on the phone with them and then letting yourself into their house or whatever and unfreeze time sitting on the couch next to them…It’s also 100% likely that if you looked around long enough, call it 38 minutes, you’d absolutely find someone with their dick in their hand. Take that shit to the bank.

I very recently found out, from a friend that reads this blog and just now bugged me about getting it done because it’s a bit late in the day, that some cats can actually be allergic to their own teeth. Uh, no thank you please. Why does that even exist? How is that helpful or evolutionarily necessary? That just seems like a cruel cruel joke and I am absolutely against it. I mean if there were any sides to the argument and one of the sides was for and the other was against, I’d definitely be on the against side. 

Sometimes I think about the type of accent my cat would have if he could talk. I have a black cat, but I totally don't go there...I think he'd have a French accent or something totally steeped in arrogance; maybe British or South African even. I mean, he's super chill and I love him, but he's a cat, and cats are inherently kind of assholes. I suppose the accent or more inflection that would fit best would be the stereotypical stone surfer dude from an 80's movie. I think the thing that bugs me about that is that my cat is smarter than that guy, probably smells better too. 

I recently read that the cast of The Big Bang Theory, the main cast, has basically put the next season on hold because they're holding out for more money. This type of shit makes absolutely no sense to me...I mean in a way it makes perfect sense. It's the most popular show on TV and without them it doesn't exist and if they can get more money for doing their job, then more power to them. HOWEVER...why the hell do you need more money to do the same job you've been doing for what like eight years? If you don't want to do it anymore, then don't do it, but don't be a huge douche and demand more money. You're already being overpaid. You stand in front of a camera and spit out some silly science jokes and wear ironic t-shirts for 22 minutes...there's no reason that's worth one million dollars per episode. I'd rather unsee all the episodes I've watched than have that fantasy become a reality...and while we're touching the subject, Kaley Cuoco, I was hugely disappointed to find out you were part of this whole debacle and because I know my opinion is super important to you; we're not going to get together when your marriage falls apart in two to five years. I don't want no greedy bitches. 

That's all for now, have a good night folks.

Admitting it is the First Step...

The blank page is intimidating to me, it always has been. There’s all this space and I have to fill it up with words, my words. What if I can’t think of that many words? There’s all this potential in a blank page; it can be so many things: a play, a story, a song, a drawing, a paper airplane :). It can be nothing too, though, even easier. Blank pages have destroyed many writers, potential writers, illustrators, artists, musicians, you name it. A blank page, a blank canvas, an empty stage. All these things possess seemingly limitless potential and yet they can be the ruin of the same artists that might turn them into something dynamic and explosive and introspective and self-actualizing. 

For me, it’s always been difficult getting passed the first step, the blank page. If I can get passed that, the rest will happen, it may not be easy, but I’ve started the engine and I’m moving forward. It’s a different step, a different action for different people. For your gym-goers, it’s simply getting to the gym; after that, you might as well get a workout in, even if it isn’t the best one or the longest, at least you showed up and put in the work. For an artist it might be conceptualizing an idea; even if you don’t end up using that idea, maybe it gave birth to a different idea and that one put paint to canvas. For a writer maybe it’s figuring out who your main character is, or what their special talent or super power is, maybe that gets you started. With musicians it might be putting a melody to chords or vice versa and while you’re trying to marry those two ideas a rhythm pops into your head that bridges the gap. Inspiration can strike at any time and when it does, nothing can become something before you know it.

I don’t know when it will happen, but I know that if I’m not doing anything, not moving forward, the chances are next to nothing that I’ll get struck with an idea. But if I put words on the page, if I start drawing or painting, eventually it will become something. I have to start though; have to get over the initial intimidation of the blank page. I have to get passed the voices in my head, the ones telling me it may not be good enough, people won’t like it, it would be easier just to wait until later, you’ll be more awake later, you’ll feel more inspired later, you’ll have better ideas later, don’t do it now…if I can just start typing, put one word in front of another and get something on a page I’ve already won. If you can put one foot in front of the other and get yourself out of your house and into the gym, you’ve already won. Getting started sucks; no question, no argument. But if you don’t ever start you’ll never finish, and finishing; there’s not a better feeling than that in the world (insert sex joke here). The feeling of accomplishment, that you’ve overcome the resistance the procrastination and you stepped up to the plate. Whatever you do once you get there matters much less, because if you never step up, you’ll never even get a chance to hit a single let alone a home run. It’s true that you’ll never strike out either, you’ll never have to deal with an idea not being well-received by everyone, you’ll never be criticized, you’ll never be ridiculed. But you will also never get the opportunity to know how it feels to create something, to bare your heart and soul to the world and have people take notice. Criticism makes you better; ridicule comes from people jealous that they didn’t have the idea first, and if your initial idea strikes out, you have a much better idea of what’s coming next time, things you did wrong, mechanical or mental errors and the next time you come to the plate you’ll be better prepared for what’s to come.

Whatever you have a passion for, make time for it, nurture it, develop it. Don’t forget that there are things that exist here that don’t include work and money and stress. There are beautiful things too, things you can create, things that others have created that you can derive pleasure from. Don’t be too afraid to take the first step, it might be the best thing you ever do.

Sometimes I Want to Shake People...Not Babies Though, You Shouldn't Do That

Today has been a little difficult because what I want to talk about, the thing weighing heaviest on my mind I can’t really share at the moment. It sucks too because I feel like it doesn’t have to be this way. I wish this problem were resolved, I wish it was something I could just be ok with. And this might be just me venting randomly because I’m not going to go into any detail until I make a decision, but I really just don’t understand why it’s so hard for certain people to communicate. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m not a mind reader and I am definitely not going to babysit another adult. I know I touched on this in another entry, but jeez, how hard is it to just be honest? If you have something to say, put it out there and let it exist. If you end up being wrong or what you had to add wasn’t the best idea, who cares? Nobody on this whole planet is right all the time, and a lot of the time, right and wrong are arbitrary anyway. I can only compromise so much before it becomes uncomfortable and I am not comfortable being the only person going out on a limb, hoping for the best, bending over backwards. If the effort is mutual, I’ll be there every time, but I will not be left out in the wind with no partner. Everyone has their limit, their line that they won’t cross, and I’ve reached mine.

I suppose while I’m venting I have one super random thing that’s been at the back of my mind sitting in a corner somewhere collecting dust... A while back I found myself in an ill-conceived long-distance relationship. At the time I wasn’t making enough money to travel much so my then-girlfriend bought plane tickets and I went out to visit her a couple times. We realized fairly quickly that the relationship was not going to last and we parted ways on what I would consider to be fairly good terms. I guess ‘good terms’ could be relative…neither of us wanted the other one to die in fiery agony and we weren’t opposed to continuing to be friends, or at least talk from time to time.

However, this is where the bullshit comes in; somewhere in these post-relationship conversations the topic of some of my stuff left at her place was brought up and there was a flat out refusal to send any of it back to me. That I could understand, if for no other reason than you don’t want to spend the money to ship it. And I didn’t really put up much of a fight about it. Apparently my initial impression that we were good and there was no ill-will was just plain wrong because the topic of money came up; money I owed her for tickets and food while visiting. Yeah, just to be clear, that is money spent and gone, never to be replaced; especially not by me. Even if I had promised to pay you back, which I definitely don’t remember doing, that was within the confines of the relationship, and as soon as that ended, so did that promise. If you’re hitting me up for money to be vengeful or petty, you better just let that shit go. You can’t hurt my feelings anymore; I am no longer invested in any capacity. And coming at me sideways trying to make me feel guilty over some cash, how’s that working out for you? I hope you and your new boyfriend are happy and I hope he doesn’t let you pay for anything…

Call Your Corners man

Obviously this is purely hypothetical, but I hope I don’t ever have to find out what it feels like to actually have my spirit crushed. 

The closest thing I’ve experienced to that feeling would be working at an Amazon warehouse; that shit was the most mind-numbing, banal, vanilla with no sprinkles job I’ve ever had. If you’re a picker and that’s the position you start under, that’s the ONLY position you will be in for no less than six weeks or some nonsense. You have to prove proficient at one task before you get trained in another one. This is crazy house because you’re working four ten our shifts per week for not much more than minimum wage; they’re essentially asking you to be an automaton for 10 hours a day. If for nothing else than everyone's sanity, you should be trained on two things right off the bat so you can break up your day. Screwing in the same bolt for 10 hours straight is enough to make even the most patient folks go a little bonkers from time to time. For a creative person, this was torture. There is no frivolous talking, it’ll affect your numbers, and if your numbers aren’t up you won’t get trained in another task. Just call your corners and say excuse me if you're coming up behind another picker, but that's it. So if your numbers aren’t up for a couple days straight, they’ll have someone shadow you and tell you how to be more mechanical so you can hit their projected numbers; awesome... You also don’t get a choice of music, you have to listen to whatever they’re piping in through the house speakers, which can be anything from Amy Grant to Metallica, because they sell ipods and other mp3 players and apparently you can’t put your name on yours or something. Ok, so none of your own music, no talking unless you’re on break…oh, and for the love of God don’t get on your tippy toes to reach for an item or bend over with your back and not your legs; you will get written up for either or both and you’ll have someone come over to you and show you how to bend over properly, or where the step stool is so you can reach the upper shelves safely…while they’re talking to you, your numbers are going down and your opportunity to learn a new mechanical task is becoming a pipe dream.

So let’s say you were brought in as a packer; you have to hit whatever projected numbers they have for that before they train you on another task, including picking. So whatever entry-level position you’re brought into is just bullshit for six weeks or however long. I don’t even remember, I know they said it, but I didn’t make it to the learning another task portion of hell, I quit that job so hard. I tried to make it fun, I tried to not care about my numbers, I tried TO care about my numbers, it didn't matter. At the end of the day, I just wanted to come home and sleep because I had been essentially speed walking for nine and a half hours, roughly 7-12 miles per day and my brain hadn't fully turned on all day and my body was exhausted. 

Is Amazon efficient; yup. Are there lots of people who work in their warehouses; yup. Do a lot of them like it; probably. I know people exist on this planet that can do mundane shit all day and then come home and play Playstation or Xbox or whatever, and just shrug it off as ‘life’ and be ok with it, but man, that is so not who I am. I think I’m happy for the experience, but otherwise that place is where dreams go to die and I’m super glad I got out when I did. 

I suppose today's little rant is sponsored by perspective, because without it we just wouldn't know any better. 

Just Be Nice Bro

(I think I’ll have to tackle this topic again another time when I can expand on some of the ideas. I feel like there are some thoughts that aren’t completely fleshed out, but I’ll definitely come back to it. Thanks for reading.)

While I was at lunch yesterday, the conversation came around to kindness and being good to each other. It started somewhere in the vicinity of certain people not having any perspective, where they’re born into a situation where they have all the money and physical things they could ever want and they’re just shitty people. And then you have the other side of the coin where someone grows up with adversity and learns how to be a human being. There are also countless variations in between these two examples, including rich people who aren’t total assholes and poor people that couldn’t get themselves out of the patterns set by their parents and friends.

Basically what we’re talking about here is being kind to your fellow man. Learning what it takes to coexist with everyone else here on the planet and understanding that there will always be the negative to make the positive shine, but if we could figure out how to minimize it, well that would be a great leap for mankind. The discussion drifted to different types of kindness and different motivations to be that way to others. The most obvious and prevalent source of false kindness, in my opinion, comes from religious people. They may very well be some of the most open, loving, sympathetic people on the planet; but why? They’re angling for a spot in Heaven. So it almost seems like bullshit because if there weren’t a ‘reward’, nothing at the end of the line, would you still be nice or would you be out for yours? And it’s interesting to note too, that a lot of people seem to need this type of system where there are rules/structure and meetings and guilt and whatever else, all so you get a better parking spot in Heaven.

I’m not a religious person. That system just doesn't resonate with me, but I also do not begrudge anyone their beliefs. I believe there is energy connecting all of us, and that if you put good energy into the universe, good energy will find it’s way back to you, and if you put shit into the universe, you’ll get shit right back. This idea works for me. I don’t see it as a reward system, though I suppose it could be argued that I would only be doing good deeds in order to have good deeds given back, but that’s just inaccurate. The fact of the matter is that as soon as I made the decision to change my goals and work everyday at something I love to do, it’s been easier to see the ‘good’ opportunities when they arise. If you’re open, you can see and catch things. If you aren’t, it’s much harder to see something wonderful when it’s right in front of you; or even worse, you see it as a burden instead of a gift.

It’s also more fun if everyone is doing well and is happy, so it’s an easy decision to help a friend who’s in a tight spot or to spend a little extra time and let someone blow off some steam if it helps him or her lighten their load. Giving good energy just feels better than giving out shit energy; it has little or nothing to do with the getting it back part. As a matter of fact, it’s almost as if you’re getting it back in that very moment. While you’re being kind and giving love, that exchange of energy is in the air and you are part of it. For me, being kind and wanting my friends to succeed in their endeavors and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt just FEELS better than doing it any other way. If anything, me being kind and generous is selfish, because I love the way it makes me feel to do something nice for someone. I love it when a friend reaches a goal. As I write this I heard that an awesome friend of mine finally got the green light on a project she’s been trying to nail for weeks. So stoked!!

There’s a lot of shitty things that exist in the world guys, but there’s just as many amazing things and we all hold a little of the power to shift the scales.

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress.

Working hard for something we love is called passion.

This is one of a few little combinations of words I’ve decided to live by lately. It was about two weeks ago now I think; I pretty much decided I’d rather be broke and happy than broke and frustrated. Why would anyone want to go to a job they really don’t care about everyday and make just enough money to pay their bills and maybe go out once or twice a month with friends? It boggles my mind, and hurts my heart and my creative spirit. We all only get one chance at this, at least one chance that we’re aware of, and I won’t spend my life performing repetitive tasks that mean nothing to me; packing order A in box B: moving stack A to location B, just to move it back the next day. That’s not how I want to spend my time here.

I had lunch with a friend today and we discussed so so many things but the main thing that ran through my mind during the whole conversation was, ‘I’m so happy to be here in this moment right now’. I felt alive and aware and stimulated and fulfilled. It’s like when you haven’t had a drink of water in a while and you realize you’re thirsty but don’t really know HOW thirsty until you start to take a drink and then the bottle is empty and you’re refilling it in the sink. I think that’s how my mind and heart have been feeling lately. I didn’t really know I was starved for creative conversation and collaborative drive and passion towards a goal, but until I finished that first bottle and started refilling it, I didn’t realize just how long it had been. I’m extremely lucky, too, that I have a new group of friends here and my solid tried and true foundation that aren’t satisfied with the status quo either. Surrounding yourself with other like-minded people is invaluable. Especially because what we’re all doing can be easily argued by anyone with half a brain as irresponsible, reckless, selfish, hopeless…the list goes on. That’s just not how we see it though, and we won’t; we fly high and fall hard. I wouldn’t want it any other way and I’m super happy to be starting this journey with some old reliable warriors and some brand new ones.

I don’t know what my mark will be on the world but I know I’ll be leaving something behind and I look forward to reaching my full potential. 

Enter Sandman

It’s nice when I have a good dream and I wake up and remember it. Even if just for a few seconds before I move around or open my eyes. I think it’s shitty that we tend to remember bad dreams or nightmares more readily than the good dreams. I still remember dreams I had when I was a kid because they scared the crap out of me, but I had a fun dream last night about exploring around somewhere with my friends and I can really only remember the way it felt and some really faint snapshots. The only other thing I can remember, which I’m grateful for, is that my oldest brother was there too.

He died a few years ago and occasionally I’ll see him in my dreams and that makes me happy. A lot of times I know it’s him even though whoever it might be doesn’t look anything like him, or it might be a girl or an animal or whatever. It’s the feeling I get; I just know it’s him. I don’t know if I want to get into a big philosophical or theological discussion, but I think if people live on in the memories of their friends and family, they may not live forever, but they live a lot longer. At the end of the day, we’re all just a blip on the radar in time and become memories ourselves, but we lived. We were here and we made our mark on the world and on other people, potentially even on the stars. I miss my brother whenever I think about him, and if I think about it for too long it makes me sad, because I’ll never see him in the daytime again. I won’t get any texts on my birthday or the holidays and I won’t get to send any his way. But if I think about it for just the right amount of time, I remember that he was a great brother. He always took time to spend time with me, even though I was five years younger than him. He was the one that got me into rock music…and was then the one who confounded me when he started listening to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg (Lion, whatever). He let me tag along when he worked on his car, and though I’m sure it cramped his style, I don’t ever remember feeling like he resented me being around. He never went searching for praise or attention, and definitely only spoke if he had something to add to the conversation; he seemed just as happy to sit back and listen. He was kind and generous and a great example of the kind of person I’d like to become.

It does suck that he died so young, and it sucks that we didn’t talk more before he passed, but I think it’s awesome that we can occasionally hang out in my dreams and go explore new places and times and we can talk about whatever we want and be whomever we want. I miss my brother, but I won’t ever forget him. And I suppose, in that way, for me at least, he isn't gone, he just isn't 'here' anymore. 

Eventually I Made A Point...

I think part of the reason I set out to do this 30 in 30 challenge was to set a goal and then follow through with it. I mean, I don't owe anyone anything. I have no idea how many people are reading these. I don't know if I'll end up writing something within this allotment of days that will touch someone or speak to them in some way. I know not every day will be full of humor and wisdom. Whatever the case may be, though, I think with all the changes going on in my life and with the positive outlook I've adopted, I wanted to do some thing simply to prove I could do it. I wanted to set up a target and knock it down; put an item on my to-do list and then check it off. I think there's definitely a part of me that hopes that this exercise will help me get into the habit of writing again. I used to write all the time...well maybe not all the time, but much much more often than I do now. Maybe I had more time, maybe I was going through more 'drama' so I had more material, either way, more pen to pad, less time spinning things around in my head. And if I can start a new habit, one that I actually enjoy and one that will absolutely benefit me in the long run, why wait?!

I like writing, and anyone that knows me knows that I'm a pretty big fan of talking too. Maybe this whole thing is just me being super vain and talking to myself, and if anyone happens to get caught in the crossfire, so be it. That's actually probably somewhat true. I could have totally written these blogs, or whatever, in a notebook and kept track of the days and still accomplished my goal. I would've cheated though. I need to be held accountable, I want to be held accountable. I want my word to mean something. I want to be able to be counted on. I want to say that I'll write 30 blogs in as many days and know that that's exactly what's going to happen. Putting these online made it super easy for any of you to call me out if I miss a day and it made it easy for me to track my progress.

The task was arbitrary, I could've just as easily said I'll learn a new song every day for 30 days, which actually I should probably do anyway, that'd be good practice...off topic...the point is to do something I don't do everyday, something that I actually want to do, and put up or shut up. If I can't sit down at my laptop for an hour a day (let's be honest, a couple of these have been squeezed out in 20-30 minutes) then what does that mean when bigger, more immediate tasks get put in front of me? I'm not an unreliable guy, I'd venture to say I'm quite the opposite, but there's definitely a part of me that is super super self-concious and unsure about my ability to perform under pressure (haha, insert sex joke here). I suppose that little voice inside is also keeping me reliable. Without the constant pressure on myself, maybe I'd let up a little bit. Maybe I'd be like, I can slack off this time, I've done all this other stuff. That's not that kind of person I want to be. That's also not to say that I want to do all the things put in front of me all the time. It IS to say that if I say I'll do something, you can rest assured it'll get done...or I lost a my mind or an arm trying.

People that try to please everyone all the time by trying to do EVERYTHING put in front of them are bound to slip up eventually. It's a lose/lose situation. You hustle around doing a bunch of random bullshit for a bunch of random people and never take the time to say no or figure out if what you're doing has any merit. At the end of the day, you're not really helping anyone, and you're not painting yourself as reliable, you're putting a target on your back that all your user 'friends' see and then they know you're the guy/gal to call when they need help moving their couch or when they can't afford to pay their cable bill or whatthefuckever other shit they 'need' you for that doesn't keep you moving forward, but spinning in place. And that's a super shitty position to be in on any number of levels.

I want to keep moving forward, forward and up. Onwards and upwards I believe is the proper terminology. I want to keep growing as a human being and setting personal goals is part of that growth. Helping my friend clean out his aquarium most likely doesn't qualify. Being able to say no to friends/family I think is also part of the growth I'm going for. I put this idea in an earlier blog, about being honest. The first person you need to be honest with is yourself; if someone asks you to do something, or if you'd like to get a project done, don't set yourself up for failure simply because you WANT to do it. Look at the situation honestly and if you don't have to time/energy/initiative/know-how, it's ok to say no. Don't be a dick about it, but don't commit yourself to projects you can't follow through on.

By 'you' of course I mean me; these are things I'm striving for, principles I'd like to adhere to. I'm not here to tell anyone else how to live their lives. However, if I say something that helps you on your own path, that's super awesome and I take full responsibility for the amazing person you become :).

Who Wants Pizza?

Generally, this is how my days go: I get up fairly early and get some food, usually I watch a couple episodes of House or something else on Netflix, then go to the gym or go for a ride on my bike. If I can stay focused I’ll practice guitar and try to get some stuff written down, or maybe read a book. I still like making custom phone cases and painting and stuff, too. Depending on the day, I'll have band practice or a show at this point, then after that I'll come home and probably eat something and watch Cosmos or something. I have a lot of time in my head, thinking about stuff that might exist, might not exist. Things that I can choose to breathe life into or destroy by simply thinking about something else and forgetting about it. The one thing I do everyday without fail however is eat, and 97 percent of the time, I eat healthy/clean.

I feel like if I had unlimited money, or even just marginally more than I have now, I could go healthy all the time AND not get bored, or not crave stuff I can’t/shouldn’t have. Maybe with more variety in my diet, I could keep cravings away for longer or eliminate them completely. Cuz it hits me about once every four to six weeks…Pizza and/or Oreos need to go in my face or there will be murders. Gluten-free pizza and gluten-free and/or low/no sugar pretend Oreos don’t gut it either. At least with the bad food, I know what I’m getting. Some of the ingredients in ‘healthy’ food is just as hard to pronounce and seems just as shitty for you…but it’s not dairy or wheat so it’s ‘ok’.

I think moderation is the key to making anything work. I love eating healthy; I feel better, I recover faster, I have more energy and most of the time I can find plenty of different options for meals so that I don’t get bored. And while I understand that if you’re preparing for a contest or something, you should probably stick to your regimen 100%, I don’t think one bad meal is going to completely derail your progress. In fact, it might even help you because you’ll feel so guilty for eating the four spoonfuls of ice cream that you go run an extra three miles or do 100 more squats the next day. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s cravings are different. Sometimes I can make mine go away by having a full bottle of water; feel like having something sweet that I absolutely don’t need, drink a bottle of water instead. It doesn’t ‘satisfy’ the craving, but it generally fills me up so I don’t feel like eating anything anymore. Though that’s the crazy trick about sugary shit isn’t it? At thanksgiving dinner you can eat and eat and eat, and as soon as you’re done if your Mom asks if you saved room for pumpkin pie, 98 percent of people will say yes. WTF? I’m sure there’s some cool science behind it, however I’m not going to look it up at the right now. Instead, I’ll just call it sugar magic.

I don’t know if there was really an aim to anything I wrote today…I want pizza, maybe that’s the thesis statement of this whole thing. I’m about to go to a gig at a venue that serves pizza too. Dammit…

Me vs The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

I am of two minds about this whole ice bucket thing going around at the moment, hopefully I can articulate myself well enough in what follows to not piss too many people off…then again, if you don’t get where I’m coming from, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it J.

Part one, the first:

I like this idea in what can probably be described as it’s core ideal. Raise awareness and money for an as of yet incurable disease. I would like to think whoever came up with the idea initially had only good intentions. I also think it’s awesome that as of me writing this, the movement has spurred somewhere in the neighborhood of 13-15 million dollars in donations and there’s over one million videos out there, so it’s probably fair to say that ALS awareness is at an all-time high. If you want to stick to the surface level of this issue then everything is all good, people are donating money and loads and loads of people that didn’t know about the illness are now aware and before you know it we’ll have this thing licked. However, that’s like looking at the rabbit hole from 20 feet away; you see it, but you’re not even looking down into it, let alone going down into it. So let’s do that…

Part two, where Cameron goes berserk:

Without discrediting everything I’ve already said on the subject, raising awareness is about the laziest thing anyone can claim to ‘do’ about anything. This obviously gets sticky when we’re talking about AIDS, Cancer, ALS, MS, Autism etc, because spreading the word is important and making sure more people are aware of these terrible monsters that live among us is integral to them eventually being eradicated. To paraphrase the comedian Doug Stanhope, let’s say there’s a terrible car accident on the highway and two cars careen off the road and into a ravine and there’s women and children and a family dog all involved, and let’s say that they’re all trapped and then one of the cars catches on fire. Raising awareness is me standing on the edge of the ravine pointing down and yelling to everyone ‘Look, LOOK!!’ I’m just making more people aware of the tragedy, but I’m not actually DOING anything about it.

Doing something about it would mean that we’d have to take time to research the problem, which means reading, and not just one or two articles, but 20-163 articles, and a lot of them aren’t going to agree with each other and most of them will have different statistics and some of them will have no statistics. And then after you’ve read all the information, and you’re adequately armed with knowledge, then you should write a letter to your senator or congressman and find out why they’re cutting funding to the companies who have bravely set out to rid the world of illness. Then after you write a letter and it goes unanswered or gets answered in some form-letter fashion, you should maybe get some of your friends together and make clever signs and march on your capitol building in hopes of getting the politician’s attention that way. If that works, then you’ll hopefully get some media time because politicians love them some media exposure and then maybe you’ll get some answers, or maybe they’ll just use the on-air time to bolster their constituency with some clever sound bytes and you’ll get a handshake and an empty promise of looking into the issue and you can go home thinking you accomplished something. You moved the chains, to use a football metaphor.

However, your little march could have just as easily been ignored and then you’d go home dejected and frustrated wondering what else you can DO to instigate some change. The world is ravaged by illness and disease, somebody should do something dammit…that’s hypothetical ‘you’ saying that. At this point, maybe you turn to the internet, because why wouldn’t you? Probably everyone that could possibly make an impact on this planet has access to it, so you just have to reach out. What’s the best/fastest way to make an impact in today’s society: viral videos. You’ll get media time, you’ll get the attention of celebrities, philanthropists, professional athletes, and maybe even some of those politicians that ignored you before…maybe even the President.

I have no idea if this in any way represents how this whole thing got started but it might as well be. I mean here’s a few other points and then I’ll get off my soapbox for the day…I know a lot of people that have done this challenge, and I absolutely don’t judge them for doing it. I think it’s the game not the player that is flawed. Let me put it a different way. Let’s say that someone from the NIH (National Institute of Health) or ALS Association (ALS stands for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis and is often referred to as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, by the way) came out in a press conference and said something to this affect, "After careful calculation it is the opinion of all of myself and my colleagues that with a budget of 10 billion dollars, we can come up with a cure or vaccine for ALS. We have started a Kickstarter campaign and it will remain open until that number is reached, at which point we will have a product within 2-5 years." If that’s the situation we’re talking about, sign me up. I’ll donate money to that campaign. Even with a 2-5 year timeline on a vaccine/cure, that’s well within my lifetime and one less thing our children have to worry about. Now let’s move on to the next thing: cancer, AIDS, Autism whatever.

Where I have an issue is throwing money at a huge monster hoping it will make a difference. If you know someone suffering from or who has died from ALS and donating helps you feel like you’re contributing so that someday maybe we’ll knock this thing on its ass, then by all means, do what makes you feel good. But if you want to know why there’s no cures for some of the world’s most insidious diseases, it’s not the lack of funding and it’s not that we’re just not smart enough or don’t have the technology to figure this shit out. It’s simply that there’s no long-term money to be made in a cure (I mean there is money to be made, it's just not as much as they're making now), but there’s tremendously incredibly massive amounts of money to be made in the next fiscal year by selling a treatment; a band aid for lack of a better term. The pharmaceutical industry is a multi-multi billion dollar per year industry. If they cured all the things they treat, they might only be a multi (singular) billion dollar per year industry, and that is not something they can accept. And in all reality it’s the same issue we face with the petroleum/oil industry. Without getting too far down THAT rabbit hole, I’ll just summarize this point: it’s wonderful that the videos have raised money to help combat this problem, but 13 million dollars against a budget cut that is in the vicinity of 1-2 billion dollars is not going to turn this thing around.

I also take issue with people who are doing the video to do the video, and don’t know what ALS is and who don’t donate money to the cause, but they'r doing it in the name of ALS. Before a month ago, I was peripherally aware of ALS, but only knew it as Lou Gehrig’s disease and didn’t know they were the same thing. I don’t know anyone who is going through it or who has died from it. On a personal level, this particular campaign doesn’t resonate. That doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means what it means to most people; if you don’t have a dog in the fight it’s easily pushed aside by other issues. For me it would be cancer. Both of my parents have gone through it, and pretty much everyone I know knows someone who has gone through it, is going through chemo now, or who has died from it. Even with all that motivation, I have a fundamental issue throwing money at a problem I KNOW has already been solved but the powers that be won’t ever let see the light of day. And if the cure for cancer comes out, it WILL NOT be because of an ice bucket challenge or a fun run or a telethon; it will be a brave individual or a collection of individuals who stand up and put the world first and their safety and well-being second and give the cure away on the internet, for FREE.

We live in the most exciting awesome time ever in the history of time. We have endless access to information and still most people keep their blinders on all the time. And hey, in fairness, with all the crazy shit that goes on in the world we can’t be sensitive to all of it, we can’t fight all the battles all the time, so maybe blinders are ok. Maybe if you want to pour ice water on yourself and give 20 bucks to ALS research so that for the next year you can pass by the guy in front of the grocery store who wants to talk to you for a minute about cancer research funding or so you can toss the spam email about the Autism Awareness march next Saturday, maybe that’s how we all have to get by.

But if you do want to actually make a change, maybe start by making a video to tell all your friends to go out and VOTE. The people in charge are the ones creating policy and cutting budgets and all that crap. If we don’t like the job they’re doing, it is exactly our RIGHT to get a new booty in that seat and hope that maybe he/she makes better decisions. Making a change isn’t easy and it isn’t quiet, and sometimes it’s not fast either, it can take time. Nothing in this world or in this life that is worth doing, is easy. It’s the hard that separates the dreamers from the doers. Go DO something today J.

All Over the Map

As I write this there's some of the neighborhood kids playing Marco Polo outside...on land...which I suppose makes more sense than the version most of us probably grew up playing in the pool. I mean he traveled mostly by land over to China and back right? Am I thinking of someone else? I'm pretty sure I'm right. In any case, all I can say is that I hear one kid saying 'Marco' and then a few responding 'Polo' and there's no pool down there. If there's a kid walking or running around with his eyes closed should I go do something? Maybe just watch cuz it'll be hilarious if he runs into a tree or something...or that was totally mean and I meant something else entirely. Wait, what about the fish out of water rule...they're already out of water...sometimes I miss being a kid. I bet you they figured out some boundary that they consider where the water ends and where land begins or something. Oooo, or an invisible force field or something. Does anyone else read Calvin and Hobbes? Remember when they'd play Calvinball and the rules were super ridiculous, there were a million of them and they both knew them by heart? Haha, good times. Now they're playing with worms, and there making a family. They're constructing a 'family' of worms by pulling worms of different sizes out of the ground and determining their station in the family by the size: biggest is the father, of course: second biggest is the mother and so on down the line. These kids are organized if nothing else.

Anyway, I don't remember if I had something specific to write about when I sat down today...the whole day has seemingly passed by in a bit of a blur. I've been feeling a little weight about a decision I'm going to have to make in the next couple weeks...by a little weight I mean a lot, and it's skewed my day. I think the shit of it all is that I know what I'm going to do and I'm just waiting to do it. It's like knowing you're super not into your girlfriend or boyfriend anymore and you're just waiting for the right time, which doesn't exist, by the way, or you're waiting for a reason. Like maybe they start a fight that's super lame and arbitrary but you can use it to totally go off the deep end and end it all. I'm like super good at the waiting one, I've done that one before. I'm less confrontational. Either way, with all the positive stuff that I've been going on lately, today has been a bit of a downer. However, it's only 6pm, so I can totally turn it around, and of course that's the plan. Get a good meal in, watch Archer maybe, go to band practice; all things that make me happy.

I hate when things drag me down. I think that's one of the things I'd like to change from now until forever...I don't need to let things get me down. There's exceptions of course; death in the family, stuff like that, those things will always happen and when they do, you should let that get inside for a few days. Remember that without dark there's no light. Don't live there though. And to my point, don't let stuff that I can't control anyway, get inside and mess with my head. And if I can control it or I can control my involvement in it, then I need to exercise those muscles. No more dragging my ass because of some external bullshit. There's too much awesome stuff going on right now to get distracted with things that don't make you happy. I went to this show last night that was a shining example of that idea. It was at a venue here in Seattle and there were a few bands and performances and then artists of all shapes and sizes: painters, sculptors, clothing designers, people that make wallets and belts, which might fall under the umbrella of clothing, but whatever. Anyway, the point is that whole room was full of creative energy and it was inspiring. Events like that might not be daily occurrences, but I think with all the information online and among like-minded friends, it should be a feeling you can keep up for days a time. When you're in that place, nothing can touch you. Extra outside stuff melts away and you can focus on what's truly important. I want more of that feeling. I'd like to help create more of that feeling...I'll keep you posted...

Procrastination and NBA 2K13

Good lord, I should've started writing this earlier...I woke up late and feel like I've been running around all day. Realistically I haven't; I mean, I've done some chores, made some food, finished an art project, started another one, and then I played NBA 2K13. This game should be banned...not from stores or anything, just from my house. Though I dunno, maybe from stores too, then no one will ever talk about it either. I started off not even being interested, being more of a Naughty Dog (Uncharted and Last of Us) fan I didn't have any interest in getting started. As the days passed and I watched my roommate play I decided to at least create a character and mess around a bit. The next thing I know, I'm limiting myself to two games per day because otherwise I'll sit in front of the stupid TV all day and play this game that has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my life...except maybe that it can put me in either a really good or really bad mood about as fast as having sex or an argument with a girlfriend, respectively of course...though I suppose that could be debated.

I can generally keep myself away for most of the day, but then it becomes this reward I create create for myself for staying away all day. It's like chocolate or pizza. This is stupid, I know it's stupid. The weather in Seattle has been borderline hot for the past couple weeks and I should be doing more outside; like maybe actually playing basketball. The problem is my character is like waaaay better than I am in for reals life. It's discouraging going to the park to play basketball and not being able to pull off a killer crossover or a behind the back pass. All I keep thinking to myself is that part from the Sandlot where Smalls is telling himself 'don't be a goofus, don't be a goofus'. I'm not unathletic, I played baseball for 12 years and I keep myself in shape, it's just that basketball hasn't ever been anything other than a 'just for fun' sport for me. It's definitely isn't a sport I care to watch. All that was before this stupid/awesome game. Now I sort of understand the game and probably wouldn't mind watching a game...but then I'll have to pay attention to which players and teams are good and which ones suck. And I'll probably have to buy a jersey or a hat at least to show that I'm a fan of whatever team. Then I'll have to talk to other fans of the team and talk about the game the night before or the playoffs last year or whatthefuckever else they want to talk about. That means I'll probably have to find a sports bar that I like, which inherently means I'll have to try more than one. What did I get myself into? I didn't even want to play this game in the first place, jeez.

I have to get rid of this game...Naughty Dog, feel free to come out with a new game ANYTIME!

How Busy are we Really?

I know that some people are legitimately busy with whatever they may have going on in their lives, but I feel like the majority of folks out there that say they’re too busy are some combination of lazy and uninterested. Lazy is one thing, we all have those days and moods, but I think being uninterested is interesting to explore.

People really don’t want to say that they aren't interested or that they don't care or that the proposed plan is just plain stupid. I mean, if your friend wants to go to the zoo and you really don’t care to go, don’t say you’re busy, say you aren’t interested, turtles creep you out. I think maybe, in part, our society has become so sensitive that people can’t and won’t be honest with one another if they feel like the answer might hurt feelings. But then we’d have to get into why being honest would hurt someone’s feelings. Why would saying that you’re not interested in going to the zoo hurt your friend’s feelings? Is she an overly sensitive person to begin with? Is she maybe one of those idea people that thrives off of people being jazzed about the same things she’s jazzed about? I doubt it’s a tone things because we all pretty much text nowadays anyway, even this blog will lose some of it’s punch because my inflection isn’t obvious to everyone reading it. Though I suppose your tone is implied by the person reading the text, so even if your response is totally acceptable when you said it in your head, they could read it and interpret it totally differently.

Ok, so back to the point…I do this shit too and I’d like to stop perpetuating it. I want to start being fully honest. I think being tactful is a wonderful thought and I think that the fact that people are inherently kind enough to not want to hurt other people by telling them the blunt truth is kind of a nice sentiment.

Nice sentiments aren’t always going to get the job done though. 

While trying to be 'nice' you might end up in one of those conversations where you get invited to the zoo and say you can’t go today, and then your friend says, no problem how about tomorrow, and you come up with another excuse and they say, that’s cool I understand, why don’t you tell me what day works for you and we’ll go then…that’s when one of two things happens: you either cave, because she's your friend and you don’t want to hurt her feelings and she's being super flexible, OR you finally go with honesty, which is you hate zoo’s because once when you were a child a giraffe licked your face when you were trying to feed it and you’re emotionally scarred for life. At which point it’s like, jeez that was an awfully long way to go to get to the truth when you could have avoided the whole first part of the conversation by opening with that story. Then by the time you got to the point in the conversation where you tell your childhood trauma story, you and your friend could have come up with plans that you are both interested in, or you could have told her that you’re really not in the mood to hang out this week and you’ll call her next week. I want to not have to keep track of 100 little white lies that don’t mean anything, because if they don’t mean anything anyway, what was the point in telling them?

I guess if you’re going to go along with my plan for universal honesty, you have to keep in mind that people are going to be throwing their honesty your way. Are you secure enough and thick-skinned enough to take the honesty and not take it personally? If you aren't, then maybe just keep doing what you're doing, but don't be that guy who is honest to a fault with all his friends and then gets all butt hurt when someone tells him going to Greenland in December is a terrible plan; it's like really cold up there all the time and you want to go in the dead of winter? You came up with a shit plan and someone should tell you so. 

I suppose I'll see what happens and maybe I'll write about it later on in these entries, unless I get too busy...

Christy Mack v War Machine

This may be a little disjointed…

Porn star meets mixed martial arts fighter, they date for a while, get tattoos with each other’s name, support each other in their individual endeavors and then eventually as it happens in many relationships, they break up. I don’t know all the details, suffice it to say there were also snakes, wigs and pit bulls involved. Anyway, it’s the epilogue that made it into the news and all over the internets.

At some point last week the fighter decided that he wanted the porn star back in his life and went to confess his love for her. When he got to her home and found her with another man, he saw red. What follows is a summarized version of the story from that point; fighter beats up the new guy and kicks him out of the house. He then focuses his attention on the ex, who we’ll all remember, he was basically coming to propose to. He beats her bloody, cuts her hair with a dull knife, tries to rape her, cuts her with the same knife and while going to the kitchen for whatever reason, perhaps to find a sharer knife, the porn star escapes out the back door and knocks on neighbors doors until someone eventually answers and gets her to a hospital.

(this is all super condensed, if you are unfamiliar with the story here’s a link to get you started http://www.mercurynews.com/entertainment/ci_26323120/adult-film-actress-christy-mack-suffers-viscous-beating)

At this point, she gets to the hospital and receives attention for her numerous injuries and then tweets out pictures and her account of what happened. Here’s where the whole things gets to the internet and starts becoming utterly ridiculous…

People, some cloaked in the anonymity of their screen names and some proudly posting on their personal social media outlets, figured out a way to make this her fault. The bitch had it coming because she was cheating on the guy. You can’t expect him not to react to that sort of thing, she probably liked it because she’s in porn, etc etc. I started coming across some of the most closed-minded ignorant shit I’ve ever heard in my life coming from human beings that exist and walk around and eat and fuck and probably have kids and jobs alongside other people.

And on top of that, people started figuring out a way to twist this story into something it’s not. There are bloggers and media persons attempting to make this story lighter or somehow even humorous by mentioning titles of the movies that Christy has been in when they’re writing their articles. This is unreal and unacceptable. This story is NOT light; this is real, this is heavy, this actually happened. A girl was beat within an inch of her life and narrowly escaped and you think the fact she was in some dirty movies, that you’ve probably seen you hypocritical ass, somehow makes her less of a human being and makes this situation more socially acceptable?

How would this story be any different if the professions of the two people involved were different? If she worked at Joe’s Crab Shack and he worked at the Foot Locker in the mall, would this story be more or less shocking? It’s still a woman being savagely beaten for no reason.

And if we’re going to talk about jobs, only War Machine’s should even be brought into the mix because it’s somewhat relevant that he’s a professional fighter who has a particular skill set that most people just don’t. The fact that he has the skills to effectively and efficiently immobilize an opponent should be the only thing brought up if we’re going to talk about their professional lives. Outside of that, Christy is someone’s daughter; she’s 23 and has the same right to make relationship mistakes most of us have made without the fear of being beaten to death hanging over her head.

How many of us have given undeserving people second chances? How many of us have gone against our friends’ advice and continued seeing someone who everyone else could see was bad news? How many times have most of us been able to make these mistakes with the only casualty being some DVD’s or hurt feelings? But somehow she’s more deserving of a beat down because she dated a fighter…absolutely not! She’s a porn star who dated a fighter, how does that have anything to do with the thing that happened. It’s conjuring up a back story, it’s creating intrigue but it’s not addressing the facts, the actual thing that happened.

Let’s just say for fun that she was cheating on him…let’s say that she was cheating on him with his best friend…let’s say it was his brother…let’s say it was his twin brother. In NONE of those scenarios does beating the shit out of her follow as the accepted response. Should he have been mad, absolutely; should he have maybe broken a dish or punched a hole in the wall, maybe; should he have put his hands on her at all; NO! The answer is always no! 

There’s also a smaller part of me that’s sad this happened because fighters and fight fans already have a tough go of it. A large portion of people I know and talk to don’t like or understand fighting and something like this is just going to paint an even darker picture and turn people off to a sport that is in no way represented by this heinous act. I like mixed martial arts and I liked watching War Machine fight. It’s terribly unfortunate that he made the decision he did and I hope he goes away for a long time and I wish Christy a full and speedy recovery. 

This was just on my mind today, hopefully future entries won't be so angry.

30 Day Writing Challenge

Recently I decided to make a few changes in my life, positive ones I hope. One of these changes had to do with me writing more regularly. To that end, I thought what better way for me to be accountable than to set a goal and post a challenge online and potentially have friends, family and strangers helping me stay on point. What I proposed to myself is not wholly unique, there are 30 day challenges all over the place: lose 30 pounds in 30 days, make 30 paintings in 30 days, read 30 books in 30 days, etc.

What I want to do is write 30 blogs in 30 days, plain and simple. I don't know what I'm going to write about on each day and I don't know how long they'll be, but I have resolved to write for 1 hour a day and whatever comes out, will go up on this page; good or bad, edited or not. Depending on how this goes I thought maybe I'll do another challenge after this one where I take suggestions on things to write about everyday, or do less blogs with more research involved. Who knows? I wanted to write this first entry as a mission statement of sorts and I even thought about bitching out and using this 'entry' as my first so I could go off and do other stuff today and put off writing about something until tomorrow. I have since thought better of it and will be posting something a little later today...and then tomorrow and the next day and the day after that and so on until I have a total of 30, not including this of course.

That's all for now.