Today has been a little difficult because what I want to
talk about, the thing weighing heaviest on my mind I can’t really share at the
moment. It sucks too because I feel like it doesn’t have to be this way. I wish
this problem were resolved, I wish it was something I could just be ok with.
And this might be just me venting randomly because I’m not going to go into any
detail until I make a decision, but I really just don’t understand why it’s so
hard for certain people to communicate. Say what you mean and mean what you
say. I’m not a mind reader and I am definitely not going to babysit another
adult. I know I touched on this in another entry, but jeez, how hard is it to
just be honest? If you have something to say, put it out there and let it
exist. If you end up being wrong or what you had to add wasn’t the best idea,
who cares? Nobody on this whole planet is right all the time, and a lot of the
time, right and wrong are arbitrary anyway. I can only compromise so much
before it becomes uncomfortable and I am not comfortable being the only person
going out on a limb, hoping for the best, bending over backwards. If the effort
is mutual, I’ll be there every time, but I will not be left out in the wind
with no partner. Everyone has their limit, their line that they won’t cross,
and I’ve reached mine.
I suppose while I’m venting I have one super random thing
that’s been at the back of my mind sitting in a corner somewhere collecting
dust... A while back I found myself in an ill-conceived long-distance
relationship. At the time I wasn’t making enough money to travel much so my
then-girlfriend bought plane tickets and I went out to visit her a couple
times. We realized fairly quickly that the relationship was not going to last
and we parted ways on what I would consider to be fairly good terms. I guess ‘good
terms’ could be relative…neither of us wanted the other one to die in fiery
agony and we weren’t opposed to continuing to be friends, or at least talk from
time to time.
However, this is where the bullshit comes in; somewhere in
these post-relationship conversations the topic of some of my stuff left at her
place was brought up and there was a flat out refusal to send any of it back to
me. That I could understand, if for no other reason than you don’t want to
spend the money to ship it. And I didn’t really put up much of a fight about it.
Apparently my initial impression that we were good and there was no ill-will
was just plain wrong because the topic of money came up; money I owed her for
tickets and food while visiting. Yeah, just to be clear, that is money spent
and gone, never to be replaced; especially not by me. Even if I had promised to
pay you back, which I definitely don’t remember doing, that was within the
confines of the relationship, and as soon as that ended, so did that promise.
If you’re hitting me up for money to be vengeful or petty, you better just let
that shit go. You can’t hurt my feelings anymore; I am no longer invested in
any capacity. And coming at me sideways trying to make me feel guilty over some
cash, how’s that working out for you? I hope you and your new boyfriend are
happy and I hope he doesn’t let you pay for anything…
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