So In Conclusion...

Wow, 30 days came and went. This was fun…well, I had fun. I’m glad I made it to the end. I set a goal and accomplished it. The whole point was to start a new routine, or develop a new habit, and I’m not sure I got all the way there. I mean, I did what I set out to do, sure, but it was almost like homework some days. I want to WANT to write, and some days I just didn’t feel like I had anything to say, or maybe just not anything new or exciting or interesting. I think just going through the motions is good though. Putting some words on a page everyday; not everything I write is going to be amazing and life-altering, but there might be something in one of those uninteresting piles of words that sets me down a path towards something worthwhile, and if I hadn’t sat down even though I didn’t feel like it, I wouldn’t have gotten there. I guess I figure and hope that writing is like working out; even a ‘bad’ workout is better than none at all. Even if you don’t feel awesome about it or you don’t feel like you accomplished as much as you should’ve, at least you got dressed in your snazzy gym outfit and went through the motions.

I don’t know if I’ll keep posting everyday, but I definitely don’t want to stop writing. I think it’d be fun to try some similar experiment with stories, but maybe like one per week instead of one per day. Little short stories, start developing that skill, see where that goes. I don’t really know what I expected as far as page traffic or support from anyone, but I had a few friends who were reading this thing everyday and giving me feedback and really making me feel like I was doing something of value; and for that I am grateful…I almost feel like I should keep doing it just to give them something new to read everyday. I’m a big advocate of people reading and not just watching Youtube or the latest garbage on TV…though Youtube and TV garbage both have their moments.

I think something I need to look into is doing a podcast, that would be super fun, in my head at least. I have to figure out how to make that happen. I have tons of stuff in my brain still that I want to get outside of my head and see how it looks in the daylight and having a venue where I can talk to friends and associates about these things would just make me super happy.

I dunno, what did you all do in the last 30 days? This isn’t meant to be smug or douche-y, I suppose I just want the fives of people reading this to take stock and see if the last month has been same ol’, same ol’, or if maybe you stepped out of your comfort zone once or twice or changed up your routine, or started a new book, or took up a new hobby, or cleaned out the garage…anything new, exciting or notable?? If not, I’ll never know and I wouldn’t judge if I did know, I just thought I’d put it out there. This is the end of the original challenge but hopefully the beginning of a new, less specific challenge to keep writing and eventually say something meaningful and important. Thank you for going through this with me.

Susie Homemaker

I’ve been sitting/walking/laying around my apartment for the last thirty minutes or more trying to think about what to write about today. I think for some reason I had it in my brain that being that this is the second to last day of my challenge, that I should have something heavy or meaningful to say…not at the moment. I’m tired. Not tired of writing or of the challenge, just tired. 

Today wasn’t particularly notable or tiring, though I did make a bunch of snickerdoodles. And by ‘I’, of course I mean I had help from a friend with a lot more kitchen/baking experience than I have; ie a girl, hah, boom, sexist joke achieved! Moving right along...I’ve been trying to come up with healthy ways to still eat like a fat kid lately. I still love sugar and crappy foods, I just keep myself away from them and then think of ‘healthy’ ways that I can still have them. A couple weeks ago, me and a friend entered and won a cupcake contest with a gluten-free avocado, coconut and pistachio cupcake. Since then, I’ve wanted to get back in the game and come up with more ideas that people haven’t really messed with yet, at least not in the gluten-free/health food world. Then, I started thinking about basics, foundational knowledge, and thought it might be a good idea to start with something super basic and see what we could do with it and then go from there. That’s where the snickerdoodles came in. Basically we just subbed out ‘bad’ fats, butter and shortening, for ‘good’ fats, avocado and coconut oil, and instead of white sugar, we used half the recommended amount and used brown sugar and a little stevia. If we had subbed out the eggs for almond milk or something, the cookies would’ve been vegan, but I have no desire to go full-throttle into the world of the vegans; I have no problem with eggs, so they stayed. Anyway, we kept the cinnamon and sugar on the outside of the cookies and cut down the temp and cooking time and these guys turned out pretty good, especially for a first batch. Using these for reference, now we can go back and make little revisions to try to really dial it in and formulate our own reliable recipe. Finishing this first run also gave us some further ideas for future cookies and breads, which I’m definitely excited about trying out.

I’m excited that I might be able to help create some healthy, not cardboard, tasting treats because a lot of what’s available to us, even with all the gluten-free and vegan options, are just crap. They’re ‘healthier’ but they’re just as processed and just as full of shit I can’t pronounce as the ‘unhealthy’ stuff. Ideally, I’d like to take things as far back to basics as possible and still make them tasty. I want to remove all the extra crap and just come up with some recipes or guides that provide full taste and less mental and physical grief afterwards. For now, this is all just a hobby, but I love to cook, and I love to eat…If I had more hours in the day, or did crack or something, I could do music and create the healthiest best tasting cookies ever…I think I can still make that happen, it might just take me a little longer than I’d like. Until then, no Oreos are safe...especially those birthday cake ones.

Light a Fire

The way I see it, there’s two ways to look at regrets; you can regret things you did, or you can regret things you didn’t do. With the things you did, they’re done; feeling bad or regretting what has happened won’t change anything and you could spend days, months or years wallowing in some sort of suspended animation and despondent emptiness over something that you will never have the power to change. We’re probably all guilty of this from time to time, and maybe it’s for the best, because it gives us some perspective on what’s important. I’ve immediately regretted things I’ve said and done in my life, but all I can do is learn from those mistakes, I can’t change history; that stuff happened. I said those things and I did those things. Now, having made those choices, I can make better ones in the future...hopefully.

If you’re sitting around regretting things you haven’t done, get up and go do them. That version of regret is fixable. Buy a ticket to Europe, take the job you’re afraid of because it’s a challenge, go talk to the girl that makes your coffee every morning. I’m no expert at all, but the way I see it, the worst case in most scenarios where you take a leap of faith, is that you end up right back where you started. But at least you tried; at least you stood up and put yourself out there. If you didn’t reach your goal, or the goal you thought you wanted, you can be disappointed or sad, but you won’t have any reason to regret it.

And maybe that brings up a different point, a slightly different road you can walk down…let’s say you have a dream in mind, a plan, a goal. You set out to achieve it and you fall short of the boats and hoes but you get the house and kids. Is it at least a version of the dream you envisioned? If it is, that’s still a success in my mind. Everyone who has dreams of something bigger and better for themselves has a picture in mind, but no way of knowing, aside from TV or movies, if our mental picture is even remotely similar to what’s attainable in the real world. Obviously, there will be times where your picture wasn’t half as amazing as you imagined; but there will also be times where you set out on a path and don’t get to what you imagined as your ultimate goal. However, if you are happy, and you can look back and know you gave it everything you had, I would take that as a huge success. You went out and ‘DID’ while the majority of people on the planet simply existed.

There’s this article that’s been floating around the internet for a while about deathbed regrets and the five things most people say they with the would have done…quick side note, it’s the five things they wish the WOULD have done, not the things they wish they WOULDN’T have done. Anyway, they basically boil down to living the life they wanted to live and not the one that others wanted them to live, not working so hard, staying in touch with friends, expressing their feelings and letting themselves be happier. Before this article existed, one of my biggest fears was that I would live my life and be mediocre; knowing full well that I have the tools to be great. 

Since moving to Seattle two years ago, I haven’t been immune to that fear, but it’s kept me motivated and moving forward. I try to use the fear as a barometer to point me at what’s truly important; the more it scares me, the more I want to put it off until tomorrow, the more I see clearly that THAT is the direction I need to go. I don’t think that living a regret-free life is easy, if it were there’d be a lot more happy people in the world, but I think that if you want it and make it happen, you will get more from this life than most other people. You’ll have more experiences to share with your kids, you’ll have more laughs with your friends, and you’ll probably even suffer greater defeats than anyone else you know. But when the smoke clears, wouldn’t you rather have been out on the field knowing you gave it everything you had, rather than watching from the sidelines and being too afraid to step up and make a play? I would. 

I Found Naches, Washington, What Did You Do Today?

Chinookfest 2014, achieved.

Woke up at 7, snoozed my alarm until entirely too late. Got up, ate a bowl of cereal, and finished watching Crocodile Dundee 2. Got on my bike and went for a quick four mile ride and came home to shower and finish getting CD’s burned. Put my bass and pedals in their cases and packed up some extra clothes, just in case; you never know. Got the car loaded and headed out around 9:30. The drive out to Naches is really scenic, that’s the somewhat manly way to say that it’s a beautiful drive. If you haven’t gone east that far out I’d definitely recommend it. It was perfectly clear today and the whole way out you could see Rainier on the horizon, still covered in snow. I really want to climb that mountain. Anyway, we got there in pretty good time and pulled around to the ‘VIP’ parking area behind the stages. Basically the way they have it set up is there’s two stages, and they’re set up pretty close together, but not right on top of each other. Each band gets a 40 minute set, and they alternate stages so as soon as one band is done on one side, the other side starts about five minutes later, unless you’re one of the headliners and then you play later in the evening and get an hour. The break in between bands gives people the time to go the bathroom or get food or just move to the other stage area and get situated. When we arrived, we got our passes and food vouchers for the day, awesome. Then we found out that we got complimentary Liberty water bottles that were custom printed with the Chinookfest logo and date and everything. Some had the complete band lineup on them; so cool. And then, oh yeah, there’s more; and then we got custom printed Chinookfest beer! Like full-on commemorative, made for the event cans. What an awesome way to get welcomed to an event. Everyone running things there and helping out, from the event staff to the food vendors, was super awesome and very nice. The crowd was into all the bands throughout the day, and they made us feel like a million bucks after every song. We finished up our set and packed up our gear and grabbed some food. Our good friends in Vaudeville Etiquette played on the same stage as we did right after us, so we had about 45 minutes to get settled in before they played. Their set was great, as usual. They even had some sound/power issues but they powered through like professionals; great band, great people. The same can be said for all the bands I watched and met today.

I sincerely hope we get to play this fest again next year. It was a totally easy and wonderful experience from beginning to end and the people putting it on should know that. You guys are badasses, Hi5’s all around.

Stupid Instagram...

I did something stupid and pointless yesterday; well it wasn’t even yesterday so much as it was really early this morning…I checked up on an X that I thought I had made my peace with. And not only was it stupid and pointless, it made me feel uncomfortable feelings and my stomach has been all weird today and my head has been all cloudy. None of that makes any sense considering I’m fine with what I saw, that is to say that I’m happy for her. I’m happy that she’s happy and I’m happy that she has a boy; I suppose I just don’t want to see it or have to deal with it or think about it at all. It’s petty and stupid that this even approaches the theme of ‘if I can’t have her that I don’t want anyone to have her’, because I don’t want her. I’ve been there and I know it doesn’t work, but it’s not like I didn’t care and it’s not like it was easy to leave…it was actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know it was the right thing.

Anyway, Instagram is a cruel mistress and now I know she’s happy and now I know what he looks like. I know she’s happy because I know what her happy not faking it smile looks like, and I know what those eyes look like, too. I thought I was past the point of having my heart yanked around by this particular situation. I thought after we last spoke that I was being sincere when I told her I wanted her to be happy even if it meant that we couldn’t find room in each other’s lives for the other anymore. I meant it, I wanted to mean it, I thought I meant it. What the hell man. I'm over her and I, but I'm not over the way our friendship ended, and seeing the reason it ended in the form of a person, well that just didn't sit well. I had the option to be there and I passed on it, more than once. I came up short when I was given the opportunity; I wasn’t willing to put everything I had into making it work. I thought I was ready every time we started up, and I walked up to the plate and was taking all the way. I never brought my bat off my shoulder. This baseball metaphor doing anything for you?? I said the words and went through the motions but couldn’t ever get my heart fully engaged. But I’ve learned from it and that has to count for something, right...maybe.

This is totally for the best. She deserves to be happy and deserves to be made to feel like she’s the only girl in the whole world everyday. I hope that she trusts him and I hope he never gives her a reason not to.

There’s maybe three girls that this could be about and I’d be willing to bet the one that thinks it’s about one of the other two would be surprised to know it’s about her. That’s what makes her who she is. She always puts other people before herself, even when the situation would absolutely excuse her putting herself first. She is one of the best people I’ve had the privilege to know and has put up with more of me being stupid and indecisive and immature than anyone ever did, and still wanted to be there. I miss my friend, but I'm glad she's found someone that makes her happy.

13 Years Ago Today...

I woke up and made breakfast just like any other day. I think somewhere between brushing my teeth and getting my backpack all situated for the day my dad or grandpa said something about a plane flying into a building, but that was it, no specifics. I walked to school and when I got there a bunch more people were talking about this building and a plane and that’s when I started getting more information; it was a passenger plane and it flew into one of the World Trade Center buildings. That didn’t make sense, why would a plane fly into a building? Was the navigation messed up? Did someone hijack it and not know how to fly it? In first period, we just had the TV on and we watched the video of the second plane actually hitting the second tower. Nobody had all the information yet; every ten minutes, the stories evolved and shifted. After first period our Principal came on the school intercom and basically said if anyone wanted or needed to leave that could and should. I remember a few kids were joking around that it would be a free day off and considered leaving. I even considered it for a second because if we weren’t going to get any school work done, then I could just go watch TV at home and stay up on the story. The rest of the day is a blur of information, pictures, girls crying in class and in between classes. At some point early on in the morning the towers came down. I remember not really knowing what to think. I was trying to think if I might know anyone in New York; would my uncle have been there visiting randomly from his home in Connecticut? Should I call him? 

I think for that whole first day the gravity of the situation didn’t fully sink into my brain or my heart. Over the course of the next couple days and weeks more information became available and everyone started forming their opinions. I remember that planes were grounded and somehow a few celebrities who were in other countries made the news because they still got to fly home or something like that. Audio of people calling their loved-ones from the planes; video of people jumping from the buildings; information about the plane/missile that hit the Pentagon all became topics of conversation and were immediately recognized by everyone. Obviously the conspiracy talk started and all sorts of stories started coming to the surface and then everyone started forming their opinions about all of that. That’s super not the point and I’m not going to get into it.

I still see bumper stickers or decals on cars that say ‘Never Forget’ and have 9/11 on them or FDNY or some combination of the two sentiments. There are definitely days where I’m like, ‘no duh, dude, of course we won’t forget. How could we?’ But I think most days we do forget that this tragedy happened, and we forget that for a brief moment human beings were all on the same side (not all, but most). We forget shit if it happened two weeks ago, let alone 13 years. I don’t remember everything about that day, but I remember that it was cloudy and it was starting to feel like winter and it was my senior year in high school. I remember watching that second plane hit the tower. I remember briefly thinking that I should feel something more and I was almost angry at movies for desensitizing me, because the plane didn’t make an appropriately sized explosion. I remember watching the buildings come down and I remember feeling empty and confused and overwhelmed and angry all at once. I also felt, honestly for the first time, and maybe the only time, a sense of Patriotism. This is my country and we were attacked and that’s some bullshit and we should do something about it…….I definitely don’t remember 9/11 everyday, but I sure as hell will never forget it either. 

Montana in Review

My dad has a place about 20 miles off the main road and if you haven’t ever been that far off the grid, it’s an experience I highly recommend. I don’t know if I could live out there full-time, but it’s definitely a place I really like to visit. Being out there puts different things in perspective. It makes different things priorities. Chores and projects are done because if you don’t do them, you will be cold or hungry or without food or electricity. Maybe it’s something as simple as mowing the couple acres of lawn because if you don’t, you’re encouraging potential fire to get up closer to your home. Maybe it’s as easy as reorganizing your storage shed so that you know what all you have and where exactly it is in the even that you need extra large tarps or packing materials or a battery charger. Maybe it’s setting up more solar panels so you can save the generator for emergencies. You might need to clear out some dead trees or build a new structure to store wood or tools out of the weather. It’s just cool that you’re out there doing things that directly affect your next move, your next day. If you fall behind, you need to reassign importance and figure out what really needs to be done before the weather gets to a point where you just sit inside in front of your wood-burning stove for days on end. They say that there’s two seasons in Montana: winter and construction. If you fall behind during construction season, you’re setting yourself up for a harder winter and winter there isn’t messing around.

You don’t get caught up in any drama, there’s no cell reception and no internets: you have plenty of time to think and breathe deeply and while you’re trying to get things completed in a certain time frame, there’s not a feeling of being rushed. Things feel simpler there. The people are kind and generous and selfless. The wildlife goes on about their day like you aren’t even there, and in all fairness, you’re totally on their turf anyway. The hikes are legit and you better bring a gun and some food and water, because you can be out all day and you'll just end up food for wolves or mountain lions if you don't pay attention.  The weather can change in minutes and then change right back. The last time I went to visit, the second day I was there it was clear then snowed and then was cloudy and then was clear; five times it went through that pattern. The quiet is complete and almost stifling once all the animals go to sleep. There’s just no sounds, it’s a little eerie and takes some getting used to. When sky is clear at night and the moon is full or close to it, it’s actually so bright it makes it hard to see the stars and it’s almost as light out as dawn or dusk all night. That said, when the moon is half or less, the stars are amazing and even though we're in a valley and don't have a huge view of the sky, there's more stars than I've ever seen. 

I guess all of that is to say that Montana is pretty freakin’ sweet and I’m already looking forward to my next visit.

Stop Talking About It And Start Being About It

I thought I might rant about lazy fucks who want to go to the gym for an hour a week and come out looking like, I dunno, fill in the blank with whoever you think is sexy…Just to clarify, my name is spelled just like the religion ;) Moving right along

So you want to get in shape and you saw a P90X infomercial and figured you’d give it a try, awesome. You should. That said, you haven’t been in a gym maybe ever and you had to search under a pile of empty, greasy fast food bags to find your cell phone so you could order the DVD’s. This road might not be as short as you’d like. Fear not, there’s another commercial coming up in like 30 seconds that will tell you all about some brand new crazy fat burner pill that you can buy and you won’t even have to work out. Just look at the sexy girl in the commercial, problem solved. No, wait, my mistake, you should probably wait until the next commercial break in your Duck Dynasty marathon because there’s bound to be an advertisement for a local surgeon who you can pay to just suck the fat away and give you that summer beach body you’ve always wanted.

OR, you could get off your ass and make a few changes to your daily routine and resign yourself to the fact that this flab to fab transformation might not be as short of a road as you’d like, but when you get there, you’ll be that much better for the experience. Losing weight and/or getting into shape isn’t easy, if it were, everyone would look like David Beckham or Scarlett Johansen, and in case you haven’t walked around your local mall or main street lately, they don’t. You’re probably going to have to get up early and/or stay up late. You’re going to have to prep your meals for the week. You’re going to have to spend at least an hour in the gym, or equivalent time at home doing a revised routine, every other day if not every day. You’re going to have to eat MORE not LESS food and eat more times throughout the day. You’re going to be sore. You’re going to be tired. You’re going to want to stop, quit, put it off till tomorrow. You’re going to cry. You might even shit yourself, though it’s definitely not required. This is the road less traveled and it’s not a straight shot to the top.

It’s super frustrating to hear people complain about their diet or workout routine not working for them. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but I’m not addressing those people. I’m talking to the vast majority who give a diet one week to make them skinny then trash it. The people who go to the gym in their fancy new workout clothes and come out looking just as good as when they went in. Where to even begin with that shit: first off, going to the gym isn’t a beauty pageant, you shouldn’t look ‘good’ when you get there or when you leave. You should be appropriately dressed to move around a lot and get sweaty. If you go to leave the gym and you aren’t sweating, you better turn your happy ass around and get back in there and actually DO some work. Secondly: why are you buying fancy workout clothes when ideally you’ll be too small, or too muscular for them in the next few weeks. Find some grubby clothes in the back of your closet or get some cheap on-sale shit from your local wherethefuckever and wear that. Thirdly: if you’re a girl and you’re at the gym there are three acceptable hair options: ponytail, bun or either of those under a hat. (ok realistically just do whatever you want that keeps you from tossing your hair around like you’re in some pretend shampoo commercial. If you want to meet a guy, meet him later, you’re here to get work done)

Back to the point; your diet or workout routine is failing because you didn’t give it enough time or follow it properly because you thought doing it half-assed should would be good enough. If good enough were good enough, then you wouldn’t have gotten the balls for 30 seconds to decide you should go on a diet and/or go to the gym. Give your diet more time to work; a week just isn’t good enough. You didn’t get fat in a week, you aren’t going to get skinny in a week. In addition, you shouldn’t expect one hour in the gym and a better diet to solve all your problems if you sit behind a desk for 8 to 10 hours a day. You’re going to have to get up and move a few times throughout the day. Use your breaks to walk around, stretch out, break up the monotony. And let’s be honest, you aren’t going to the gym everyday anyway, are you? Of course not. You might have started out going everyday for the first couple weeks, then you tapered off. Now you might be going a couple times, maybe three or four, and it’s not an hour it’s more like thirty minutes and if you can’t get on your machines sometimes you just walk around…Jusus H. people! Either do it or don’t do it, but don’t buy the DVD’s or get the gym membership and the personal trainer and then bitch about a lack of results when you don’t put in the work. Own your shit.

And those diet pills won’t make you look anything like the models in the commercials. Those guys/girls work out everyday, I guarantee it. And if you opt for the surgery, you might as well just put the money in a blender and drink it, because if you don’t change your habits, all you’re doing is resetting the clock a little bit and then hitting play again and before you know it, you’ll be fitting back in your favorite fat guy t-shirts and filling out your huge ass imprint on the couch.

And just to clarify, I’m not hating on big folks. If you want to be big, do it up. Like I said above, just own your shit. If you’re big and you’re content with that, that’s your business. When I get involved or when it starts becoming other people’s business is when you’re big and you want to get small and you bitch and moan about the results you aren’t seeing because of the work you aren’t doing. It makes me want to slap you in the face with a frying pan. 

Me Being Nit-Picky

I was listening to a podcast called the Drunken Taoist, which I recommend highly to anyone who wants to learn more about the world and about themselves, and there was a guest on named Dr. Mark Cheng. Among the many many topics discussed was his practice and his philosophy on healing his patients. Not his method, mind you, just his philosophy on how he approaches each of his clients. He had a lot of great things to say and I really only split from him on one point and it’s something I’ve heard other people say a few times in the last year or so and I wanted to address it. He was referring to his practice and basically said that if he could help cure/fix all of his patients the way he would like, he would be broke. Obviously pointing to the fact that after he cured his current patients he would just have no more patients…I’ve heard a similar argument made about cures versus treatment, and I’ve even heard a few personal trainers and nutritionists say stuff in that same vein. I’m sure that I’m just being nit-picky and that these people are just saying this stuff to be funny for the most part, but I think there’s an aspect of truth in jokes/sarcasm and I guess I feel like poking the bear.

First off, I think that every doctor should want to heal his patients in as few visits as possible, and it’s clear that Dr. Cheng feels the same way. He even made direct reference to giving the patient the knowledge to solve the problem, which is essentially what they’re paying for. They aren’t paying to have someone give a name to something they already know is wrong; my hand hurts, yep, you have arthiritis…Ok, fix it, that’s your job as the physician. It’s not to give the problem a complicated name and hand me a bottle of pills. So, to his credit, I totally agree with that portion of his stance on patient care. As soon as you think that curing your patients leaves you without a job though, that’s where I have to call bullshit. If you’re awesome at fixing problems, people come to you to get fixed. If you do a good job, they tell their friends and their friends come to you to get fixed. Then they tell THEIR friends and so on. There are so many people in LA alone that if you cured ten patients per day, you could work every day for the rest of your life and you wouldn’t make a dent. I get the idea that if everyone got cured then there’d be no more patients, but let’s be honest, when will that ever be the case? There are thousands of people being born every day and there are thousands of people waking up with new aches and pains that were perfectly fine the day before. Plus, you could fix a persons arm and they can still come back to you with a foot or back issue right? And if your patients trust you, then chances are better than not they’ll come in for their checkups once or twice per year just to make sure everything’s on the up and up.

I don’t think that any profession that treats their customers with respect and dignity will ever be in danger of running out of business/clients. Personally, I think there’s a certain number of people that would continue to go to those businesses purely based on the fact that they get treated like a human being there and few other places in their life. I think I’ve already mentioned this in a previous entry, but I think this all comes back to people being kind to one another, human decency. Unfortunately it’s so rare that when you find it, even if you have to pay for it, most people probably would. 

Think Fourth-Dimensionally

This very well may end up in a completely different place than I intend, but I had a lot of time to think and a lot of fun conversations with my dad when I was out in Montana and this is one of the things he and I discussed briefly on my last morning there…

The night before, we were watching one of those ancient aliens shows on the History Channel, which I won’t even get started on here because that’s just a totally different subject, and they were talking about worm holes and intergalactic travel and a bunch of other totally normal everyday stuff that we all discuss and totally understand…anyway, one of the things they mentioned was the potential of worm holes actually existing on our planet and potentially being able to be used on a planetary level, basically being able to go from place to place on our planet in an instant. They talked about aliens and the number 3 and a handful of other stuff. So the next morning my dad and I were eating breakfast and he couldn’t finish his, and because he’s had a couple experiences with food poisoning, and it was only about a half of a pancake, he went to toss it in the trash. For whatever reason all the stuff from the night before about instantaneous travel around the globe smacked me in the face…what if we actually had that technology, and what if it were technology and not just the universe doing crazy scientific stuff that nobody can even begin to explain? What if we could download an app or something, it’d be similar to the replicator thing from Star Trek and instead of sponsoring one child for the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could actually sponsor a family or a tribe or something and at the end of every meal, or at least most of them, you could just worm hole your leftover food to them. I know that this might sound somewhat insensitive or whatever, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying JUST send your leftovers and unwanted foods, you could obviously do whatever you want, but much like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, where we’re dumping perfectly drinkable water on our heads collectively as a nation, we’re also getting rid of perfectly edible food every day that people in other countries would be super grateful for. Obviously the tech could be used for a million other things, including sending doctors and whatever else to these same people and countries; but the idea is that everyone with a smart phone could make their own individual impact and contribution and actually know where their donation is going. I have no idea how this sort of technology would work and I’m sure that it would have to start out huge, like computers did, and then shrink down and then become wireless and all that before we can even begin having real conversations about this, but if by the time all of that is feasible, there are still hungry people in other places on the planet, someone should make that app. Get on it science.

Oh and I totally ate the rest of his pancake, for all those of you waiting for the end of that portion of the story. It wasn’t wasted, it was enjoyed by this guy…oh and it was a gluten-free huckleberry pancake, made with freshly picked Montana huckleberries, cuz I’m painting you a pretty word picture.

...Still Alive

Ok, back in civilization…it’s noisy here. I’m going to transcribe the other entries tomorrow, I’m tired from the drive and I’m hungry. Here’s a little something for your eyeballs.

I don’t think that ‘normal’ actually exists as a thing anyone can be, or anyone has ever been. I think normal is basically what everyone sees, it’s the superficial stuff that we all put out for the public to see: you have a job and a house with a white picket fence and a couple kids and his and hers matching Priuses and a dog and a cat and a hobby shed, but it’s not who we are. Maybe there was a time when there was a ‘normal’ or Stepford-y or Leave it to Beaver-y (hah) something that some or most people were or did, but we haven’t been that in a long time and I think it’s interesting to think about.

For instance, it’s totally not normal to get in a fight in public…HOWEVER I think it’s totally normal/usual/common to want to fight the kid who made our coffee wrong or to want to punch the guy who ordered a double-half-cab-caramel macchiato-upside-down with two squirts of vanilla and no whip and extra caramel (or whatever, I have no idea if that’s a thing). But we don’t do it, that’s the normal response to the normal animal urge. I think it’s probably fair to say that most people have thought about stealing something too, but you didn’t do it. I’m sure the opportunity has probably presented itself and everything, but most people are decent human beings and don’t take advantage of the situation. We can all steal and fight and lie and manipulate others, but most of the time, we don’t. The ‘norm’ is to totally think about doing the crazy stuff and then deny the urges and stay within the framework that has been laid down in front of us.

I think I got started on this whole thing because I was over-thinking something from my last post where I talked about a checklist before leaving town and I was like, ‘this can’t be normal. Other people’s brains probably don’t work like this.’ And from there I came to, ‘what is normal?’ I’m practicing a behavior based on events that have impacted me in my life, that’s not out of the realm of normalcy. Just because my mind works out problems/issues/puzzles differently than other people doesn’t make it weird or not normal, it makes the process unique to me. I’m sure that there are people that are more neurotic than I am and there’s people that are much less neurotic. Neither of us are right or wrong, and neither option is more normal than the next.

Everyone has their own process and their own barometer for ‘normal’ and it’s based on their experiences. And our language is so limiting that we all use the same word and yet we’re describing things that in most cases are just not the same thing. I dunno, I guess I just think it’s an interesting concept and it’s one we all just take for granted in our day to day interactions. 

Away From my Desk...

I'm headed to Montana for a few days and though I should have internet at least twice a day, if there's any reason I can't get online, I'll be sure to come back and get all the backlog of blogs up. I'll be writing regardless of internet connectivity.

I remember one of my ex's used to always want to take vacations or 'get away' for a few days, like it was a really consistent thing she wanted to do. And while for the most part you'll never get any arguments from me, the reasons she wanted to leave were always just the freakin' worst...I'm stressed out from work, I just need to get away from all the drama, I'm feeling to pent up in the city, blah blah blah. It isn't even that the reasons in the right context are bad, it was always her saying them that just made me roll my eyes. It's like, you don't do anything all day anyway, you work when you want, and you cause the drama for yourself, and you moved to the city and always talk about how much you love it. Now, to be fair, because I'm really good at that, we did go away very early on in our relationship and have a good vacation...oh, no, wait...my mistake; we had 3/4 of a good vacation. The day we left she tried to break up with me, it's all coming back to me now. She loved the idea of going away and what it represented and could be, but she didn't ever just let it breath and BE that, she had to futs it up.

**Just a quick sidebar; I don't want to come off bitter or anything, I think all this stuff is funny now, so keep that in mind when you read. The tone is sarcastic on the positive side, not the sandy vagina side.

So anyway, after that experience, every time she wanted to get away, I would just think, 'but you'll be there. Wherever you go, you'll still be there and you're the root of your own issues.' Eventually it didn't even bother me anymore and I stopped even trying to rationalize it in my own head. It didn't seem like there was ever a time where she actually settled in, set her sights on something and made it happen. She would talk a big game and she would always start moving in that direction, but as soon as that happened she would lose interest or get so overwhelmed with life beating down on her that she just had to get away. So she'd spend money she didn't have because she wasn't working while she was trying to get whatever project off the ground, and go visit family or just get out of town for a few days...and then she'd invariably come back as stressed out or more than when she left because on top of everything, now she was broke too. That meant she had to go back to the job she hated and work harder than before just to make up for 'getting away'...and of course that meant she had to put off whatever project she thought she wanted to do too, which would stress her out even more.

**These are patterns that took me a while to start recognizing ok, nobody's perfect :).

I suppose the reason that's on my mind is that it made such an impression on me that when I go to leave town on my own, I always run a quick checklist to make sure I'm not trying to run away from myself. Is everything going ok at home: yup. Is everything ok at work: yup. Are my personal relationships going well: as far as I know...stuff like that. I just want to make sure I'm going away not running away.

This particular trip is partly for myself and partly to help my dad. The winters in Montana get a little brisk and there's this snowy stuff that falls out of the sky and can cause quite the hubbub if you're just one person tending to a few animals and a chunk of land. I'm basically going out there to help him get a few things in order before the weather turns crazy cold and it'll also give me a chance to get out of my set routine here and recharge my batteries for the remainder of the year...hopefully. I like going out there because there's nothing unnecessary; we eat, we talk, we work and then we do it again the next day. Sometimes it's nice to just disconnect for a bit, refocus, and then come back to the real world.

Like I said above though, I don't intend to fall behind on my challenge. I'm going to figure out a way to get online or write physical entries and then transcribe them when I get back next week.

Quick Review

So today is day two of tracking at London Bridge Studios with my band, and as some of you may know, studio days exist in a parallel dimension of time and space. Time goes by in the blink of an eye when you’re recording and it’s both magical and incredibly flabbergasting. That said, I wanted to make sure I got something down on paper in case tonight’s session runs late and I don’t get home in time to write anything.

So far, this whole experiment has been pretty interesting. Even halfway through, it’s fun to be able to look back at entries and see what I was thinking and feeling on a particular day. I think I have a better understanding of why some people keep journals; if nothing else it helps you keep track of your days better. Making it a point to sit down, slow down, and write something everyday is definitely something that I want to continue to pursue once I wrap up this exercise. I look forward to having a new habit, a good habit; something I can develop over time and hopefully something that I can eventually externalize and share in the same way that I’m sharing all of these, but in the form of stories.

Changing my attitude and keeping my eyes focused on the future has been a game-changer for sure. I encourage anyone who might come across this blog to take stock of their own lives and see if a shift in attitude and perspective might be beneficial for you as well. I have to head out, hopefully I’ll get a chance to add on to this entry or start a new one later today. 

Zero Sum Game

Life is hard sometimes. I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and to live my life well. I respect and love my friends and do my best to be kind to most everyone…I’m not gonna lie, there’s a few people out there that I just don’t try with anymore. I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through their lives like this, and even with all of these considerations, we’ll still manage to step on somebody’s toes or hurt someone’s feelings or even smack against somebody’s core beliefs. It’s remarkable to me how different everyone is; how similar we can be in some regards and then you reach this seemingly innocuous fork in the road and end up in a fight for your life with someone you thought was a friend. Maybe not that dramatic, but sometimes it can seem that way, probably. What’s even more remarkable is that we can offend someone by simply living our lives the way we do. The way I make my eggs might be an affront to someone’s core beliefs. The fact that I eat eggs at all might be even worse. I dunno…

I’ve made some decisions lately that I recently found out go against some of my close friends personal beliefs. That’s shitty because they’re my friends and I care what they think and how they feel about things, namely me. I could care less if a stranger on the street likes me or thinks twice about how I go about my day, but finding out that a friend is unhappy with my life choices is a little hard to swallow. (insert sex joke here) I don’t know if it’s just because I feel like I’m supportive of my friends no matter what, or if it’s because I’m thinking that maybe they’re right and I missed something when I was sitting down to assess all my options before I made the call and moved forward. I suppose it could be either or a little bit of both. I know that no one can please all the people all the time, but it almost seems like it’s been hard to please just some of the people some of the time recently. I’m trying to determine if some of the issue might be jealousy and some of it might be projected fear because I’m moving forward and they aren’t; maybe some of it is legitimately my fault. Maybe this is a sign of issues that have been there for a while and just haven’t been addressed until now. Maybe this will be a deal-breaker and we won’t be able to stay friends if we’re both honest with each other about our feelings. I haven’t had a lot of time with this so I really don’t know what the next step is going to be and what, if any, of the above is actually true about this situation. I honestly hope it can be resolved and I hope it’s not something that will spell the end of a relationship that I care very much about holding on to. 

And Then the Gilmore Girls Came Up...

So, I just finished watching House again, the whole series…not all in a day, I just happened to finish it today. I like that show. I like it down to the irritating way that Omar Epps is just plain terrible at showing any sort of emotion ever. It’s like how perfectly Keanu was cast for Neo in The Matrix films. Omar Epps should have been Morpheus. That’s where that franchise fell on its face…he said while rolling his eyes while wishing there were a font for sarcasm. Anyway, so House is a badass and everything pretty much works out for him all the time, and ironically enough, it also happens to be the best thing for the hospital and for his team, who always learns their lesson by episode end.

Now, I’d like to know, in this context rhetorically, but in for reals life if anyone knows please find me and tell me, does anyone like that actually exist? I know that we are all familiar with antiheros and I’m aware that they exist out there in the world somewhere, probably. Characters in books come to mind, though no real people. Maybe Jerry Lee Lewis…he married his 14 year old cousin right?! And people were all against it, but the dude was a badass musician and did things his way and didn’t give a shit about what anyone else thought. Now if he could only diagnose and treat diseases. Would anyone watch that show; Jerry Lee Lewis is touring around the world with his band, playing sold out shows and having light bulb moments in the middle of performances, at which point he would run off stage and in true hero slo-mo fashion, would run at the camera towards whatever ailing person he had met in that episode and cure them and then have some clever one-liner prepared based on the titles of his songs or something. Yeah, that might be just terrible enough to last a few seasons. And then after it got cancelled and everyone had their fun just tearing the show to pieces, someone would have the great idea to do a prequel series and call it, Young Jerry Lee Lewis, and it would chronicle how he came to discover his talents in both diagnostic medicine and grand piano. That show would be a nostalgic hit and might even win an Emmy. Oh and just to be clear, I’d watch both of those shows.

Back to the other thing I was saying; is there anyone that exists that is a narcissistic, brilliant addict with a closet full of suit jackets and t-shirts sitting in some hospital somewhere looking for puzzles to solve? How much of a stretch is it really I guess? I mean, how many of us know extraordinarily talented people, and how many of those people aren’t just a bit of an asshole? Aren’t just a little self-centered? Aren’t just a little too clever sometimes, even to their detriment? I hope his character was based off of a real person. If I ever get sick and end up in the hospital, I hope I’m lucky enough to have someone involved in my case that just wants to figure out what the problem is and solve it and is willing to do everything it takes to get the job done. I don’t ever need to see him, I already have the pictures in my head anyway, seeing him/her would just ruin the illusion. The almost having to die and then they come in and save the day part I could totally do without, but the rest of it, I’m in.

Also, no one in the history of time talks like the mother and daughter on the Gilmore Girls. And yes I watched it, shut up, so did you cuz you know exactly what I’m talking about. Nobody is that clever all the time, and nobody talks that fast all the time. And in case you’re still holding strong to your Gilmore Girls convictions, go ahead and watch Bad Santa, and watch Lorelai get Angelina Jolie’d in a car by Billy Bob Thorton dressed as Santa, all the while screaming ‘Fuck me Santa’ over and over…then try to watch her and Rory have a lightning fast conversation without that popping up in your peripheral. That is all, good day.

If I Knew Then...

I liked her immediately.

My band was looking for a singer and she responded to my ad on Craigslist. She sent a link to her Facebook page and I could tell she was pretty, but had no idea if she could sing; I hoped she could. The situation with our singer had gotten to the point where I could tell she didn’t want to be there anymore and she was dropping hints that she wanted to try different styles that were just not in our scope as a band. Plus she was arriving late to practice very consistently and her general attitude just needed a tweak. Enter the ad online and the short list of singers I was going to tryout on my own and then see who was worth bringing to the band. Looking back on it, that was a pretty ballsy move; I don’t even remember if I even told my best friend what I was doing. So I listened to a bunch of really not great singers and either didn’t respond to their emails or found a nice way to say that they weren’t going to fit with our style. But she didn’t have anything online, so we had to meet and figure it out in person.

We agreed to meet at my place north of Hollywood because we had the garage all soundproofed and set up for practice and it was only going to be the two of us anyway. I don’t remember having any sort of specific plan in mind other than hearing her sing by herself and then depending on how that went, having her try to sing to a couple tracks that I had sent her. So she drove up and called when she parked; the way our complex was set up, parking inside was pretty much always hosed, and if you weren’t familiar with the layout, you were going to get lost. I went out to meet her and I think I went brain neutral for a minute. I can still see her walking up: she had dark brown/black hair with a couple red streaks in it, she was wearing a black tank top and jeans and Chucks and had aviator sunglasses on. By the way, that look STILL fits in my top three. I remember hoping for a split second that she couldn’t sing and then I could just ask her out…cuz in my twisted mind that would somehow work out; hey you can’t sing, but I totally want to be inside you so it’s ok, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Anyway, I tried to play it cool.

We went into the garage and made small talk; I wanted to know what kind of music she was into, why she wanted to be in a band, blah blah blah. I really stopped caring about all of that and just wanted to touch her face with my face. She had this air about her: she was confident and had this vibe like she was happy to be there, but she definitely didn’t need this band in her life. She was going to be fine without it, no question. We made it through a few more minutes of bullshit small talk until I felt like I absolutely had to get down to business and find out if this girl could sing…and subsequently if I’d have to be in a band with her and pretend that I wasn’t insanely attracted to her on a regular basis…and watch other guys hit on her all the time…and have to see her in some crazy sexy rock outfits that she was absolutely the kind of girl to wear if she were a lead singer in a band. All of that happened in my head; my imagination is rarely short of material to work with.

So I finally asked if she had anything prepared or if she just wanted to sing something off the cuff, whatever she was feeling at the moment. She said she had something in mind, it was a band I either hadn’t heard of or seriously didn’t care about because my brain was embroiled in this stupid battle: if she could sing, we’d definitely get more heads through the door at shows, she had some connections that could definitely help us out, so things might start looking up for the band: if she couldn’t, I might get to see her naked in the near future. There were obviously other scenarios in play, but those were the ends of the spectrum and that’s all I could see.

We were together off and on for five years. She broke up three of my relationships and I temporarily broke up her engagement. So, yeah, not a strong singer…

Welcome to Thunderdome

It’s 10:43 now and I’m sitting on my couch in the living room eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon while I write this. I know, I know, don’t be jealous. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more to say, but for tonight I leave you with some random shit that actually occupies space in my brain…yes this might sound a bit like stoned ramblings, and no I’m not currently stoned. Don’t let the ‘eating peanut butter out of the jar’ thing fool you, that’s just a thing I do. Bring on the random...

I have this super ridiculous expectation of other people to always be on time and always answer their cell phones if I call/text. It’s super unrealistic, I’m aware it’s super unrealistic. In a lot of cases it’s probably not even fair. That said, I always want everyone else around me to be punctual and have their cell phones handy…I would also like for them to be understanding, because chances are better than not that I’m going to call when I’m running late to wherever I expect them to be on time...

I was thinking today that I should start a new instagram account where I just point at stuff. I was looking at a couple pictures on my current account where I was pointing at my hair and my t-shirt, and somehow the next thought that came to mind was: I should point at random stuff all the time and document it for friends and strangers. The sad thing about that is it might actually be a good/funny idea that people latch onto and spread to their friends and their friends’ friends. I don’t know if I’m prepared to be that guy.

There used to be this show on TV that I watched all the time, weekly probably, where this girl could freeze and unfreeze time when she touched her two pointer fingers together. I think about the benefits of having that power all the time…it bounces around in my head with all the other totally worthwhile thoughts I have. How awesome would it be to not actually lose a whole day of your life if you wanted to catch up on your current Netflix obsession? Or you could use it like Bill and Ted did in the second movie (though they had a time machine, they didn’t freeze time) to get super good at their instruments super fast. I mean there’s obviously countless things one could do with essentially infinite time, these are just some of the random things I think about because I’m not a smooth criminal who would go steal some shit whilst everyone was frozen. Oh I think she could unfreeze people she touched while time was frozen…I don’t know if I would use that portion of the power as often. I feel like I would freeze time to get away from people. It would be cool to trip out your friends who live hours away by freezing time while you’re on the phone with them and then letting yourself into their house or whatever and unfreeze time sitting on the couch next to them…It’s also 100% likely that if you looked around long enough, call it 38 minutes, you’d absolutely find someone with their dick in their hand. Take that shit to the bank.

I very recently found out, from a friend that reads this blog and just now bugged me about getting it done because it’s a bit late in the day, that some cats can actually be allergic to their own teeth. Uh, no thank you please. Why does that even exist? How is that helpful or evolutionarily necessary? That just seems like a cruel cruel joke and I am absolutely against it. I mean if there were any sides to the argument and one of the sides was for and the other was against, I’d definitely be on the against side. 

Sometimes I think about the type of accent my cat would have if he could talk. I have a black cat, but I totally don't go there...I think he'd have a French accent or something totally steeped in arrogance; maybe British or South African even. I mean, he's super chill and I love him, but he's a cat, and cats are inherently kind of assholes. I suppose the accent or more inflection that would fit best would be the stereotypical stone surfer dude from an 80's movie. I think the thing that bugs me about that is that my cat is smarter than that guy, probably smells better too. 

I recently read that the cast of The Big Bang Theory, the main cast, has basically put the next season on hold because they're holding out for more money. This type of shit makes absolutely no sense to me...I mean in a way it makes perfect sense. It's the most popular show on TV and without them it doesn't exist and if they can get more money for doing their job, then more power to them. HOWEVER...why the hell do you need more money to do the same job you've been doing for what like eight years? If you don't want to do it anymore, then don't do it, but don't be a huge douche and demand more money. You're already being overpaid. You stand in front of a camera and spit out some silly science jokes and wear ironic t-shirts for 22 minutes...there's no reason that's worth one million dollars per episode. I'd rather unsee all the episodes I've watched than have that fantasy become a reality...and while we're touching the subject, Kaley Cuoco, I was hugely disappointed to find out you were part of this whole debacle and because I know my opinion is super important to you; we're not going to get together when your marriage falls apart in two to five years. I don't want no greedy bitches. 

That's all for now, have a good night folks.

Admitting it is the First Step...

The blank page is intimidating to me, it always has been. There’s all this space and I have to fill it up with words, my words. What if I can’t think of that many words? There’s all this potential in a blank page; it can be so many things: a play, a story, a song, a drawing, a paper airplane :). It can be nothing too, though, even easier. Blank pages have destroyed many writers, potential writers, illustrators, artists, musicians, you name it. A blank page, a blank canvas, an empty stage. All these things possess seemingly limitless potential and yet they can be the ruin of the same artists that might turn them into something dynamic and explosive and introspective and self-actualizing. 

For me, it’s always been difficult getting passed the first step, the blank page. If I can get passed that, the rest will happen, it may not be easy, but I’ve started the engine and I’m moving forward. It’s a different step, a different action for different people. For your gym-goers, it’s simply getting to the gym; after that, you might as well get a workout in, even if it isn’t the best one or the longest, at least you showed up and put in the work. For an artist it might be conceptualizing an idea; even if you don’t end up using that idea, maybe it gave birth to a different idea and that one put paint to canvas. For a writer maybe it’s figuring out who your main character is, or what their special talent or super power is, maybe that gets you started. With musicians it might be putting a melody to chords or vice versa and while you’re trying to marry those two ideas a rhythm pops into your head that bridges the gap. Inspiration can strike at any time and when it does, nothing can become something before you know it.

I don’t know when it will happen, but I know that if I’m not doing anything, not moving forward, the chances are next to nothing that I’ll get struck with an idea. But if I put words on the page, if I start drawing or painting, eventually it will become something. I have to start though; have to get over the initial intimidation of the blank page. I have to get passed the voices in my head, the ones telling me it may not be good enough, people won’t like it, it would be easier just to wait until later, you’ll be more awake later, you’ll feel more inspired later, you’ll have better ideas later, don’t do it now…if I can just start typing, put one word in front of another and get something on a page I’ve already won. If you can put one foot in front of the other and get yourself out of your house and into the gym, you’ve already won. Getting started sucks; no question, no argument. But if you don’t ever start you’ll never finish, and finishing; there’s not a better feeling than that in the world (insert sex joke here). The feeling of accomplishment, that you’ve overcome the resistance the procrastination and you stepped up to the plate. Whatever you do once you get there matters much less, because if you never step up, you’ll never even get a chance to hit a single let alone a home run. It’s true that you’ll never strike out either, you’ll never have to deal with an idea not being well-received by everyone, you’ll never be criticized, you’ll never be ridiculed. But you will also never get the opportunity to know how it feels to create something, to bare your heart and soul to the world and have people take notice. Criticism makes you better; ridicule comes from people jealous that they didn’t have the idea first, and if your initial idea strikes out, you have a much better idea of what’s coming next time, things you did wrong, mechanical or mental errors and the next time you come to the plate you’ll be better prepared for what’s to come.

Whatever you have a passion for, make time for it, nurture it, develop it. Don’t forget that there are things that exist here that don’t include work and money and stress. There are beautiful things too, things you can create, things that others have created that you can derive pleasure from. Don’t be too afraid to take the first step, it might be the best thing you ever do.

Sometimes I Want to Shake People...Not Babies Though, You Shouldn't Do That

Today has been a little difficult because what I want to talk about, the thing weighing heaviest on my mind I can’t really share at the moment. It sucks too because I feel like it doesn’t have to be this way. I wish this problem were resolved, I wish it was something I could just be ok with. And this might be just me venting randomly because I’m not going to go into any detail until I make a decision, but I really just don’t understand why it’s so hard for certain people to communicate. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m not a mind reader and I am definitely not going to babysit another adult. I know I touched on this in another entry, but jeez, how hard is it to just be honest? If you have something to say, put it out there and let it exist. If you end up being wrong or what you had to add wasn’t the best idea, who cares? Nobody on this whole planet is right all the time, and a lot of the time, right and wrong are arbitrary anyway. I can only compromise so much before it becomes uncomfortable and I am not comfortable being the only person going out on a limb, hoping for the best, bending over backwards. If the effort is mutual, I’ll be there every time, but I will not be left out in the wind with no partner. Everyone has their limit, their line that they won’t cross, and I’ve reached mine.

I suppose while I’m venting I have one super random thing that’s been at the back of my mind sitting in a corner somewhere collecting dust... A while back I found myself in an ill-conceived long-distance relationship. At the time I wasn’t making enough money to travel much so my then-girlfriend bought plane tickets and I went out to visit her a couple times. We realized fairly quickly that the relationship was not going to last and we parted ways on what I would consider to be fairly good terms. I guess ‘good terms’ could be relative…neither of us wanted the other one to die in fiery agony and we weren’t opposed to continuing to be friends, or at least talk from time to time.

However, this is where the bullshit comes in; somewhere in these post-relationship conversations the topic of some of my stuff left at her place was brought up and there was a flat out refusal to send any of it back to me. That I could understand, if for no other reason than you don’t want to spend the money to ship it. And I didn’t really put up much of a fight about it. Apparently my initial impression that we were good and there was no ill-will was just plain wrong because the topic of money came up; money I owed her for tickets and food while visiting. Yeah, just to be clear, that is money spent and gone, never to be replaced; especially not by me. Even if I had promised to pay you back, which I definitely don’t remember doing, that was within the confines of the relationship, and as soon as that ended, so did that promise. If you’re hitting me up for money to be vengeful or petty, you better just let that shit go. You can’t hurt my feelings anymore; I am no longer invested in any capacity. And coming at me sideways trying to make me feel guilty over some cash, how’s that working out for you? I hope you and your new boyfriend are happy and I hope he doesn’t let you pay for anything…

Call Your Corners man

Obviously this is purely hypothetical, but I hope I don’t ever have to find out what it feels like to actually have my spirit crushed. 

The closest thing I’ve experienced to that feeling would be working at an Amazon warehouse; that shit was the most mind-numbing, banal, vanilla with no sprinkles job I’ve ever had. If you’re a picker and that’s the position you start under, that’s the ONLY position you will be in for no less than six weeks or some nonsense. You have to prove proficient at one task before you get trained in another one. This is crazy house because you’re working four ten our shifts per week for not much more than minimum wage; they’re essentially asking you to be an automaton for 10 hours a day. If for nothing else than everyone's sanity, you should be trained on two things right off the bat so you can break up your day. Screwing in the same bolt for 10 hours straight is enough to make even the most patient folks go a little bonkers from time to time. For a creative person, this was torture. There is no frivolous talking, it’ll affect your numbers, and if your numbers aren’t up you won’t get trained in another task. Just call your corners and say excuse me if you're coming up behind another picker, but that's it. So if your numbers aren’t up for a couple days straight, they’ll have someone shadow you and tell you how to be more mechanical so you can hit their projected numbers; awesome... You also don’t get a choice of music, you have to listen to whatever they’re piping in through the house speakers, which can be anything from Amy Grant to Metallica, because they sell ipods and other mp3 players and apparently you can’t put your name on yours or something. Ok, so none of your own music, no talking unless you’re on break…oh, and for the love of God don’t get on your tippy toes to reach for an item or bend over with your back and not your legs; you will get written up for either or both and you’ll have someone come over to you and show you how to bend over properly, or where the step stool is so you can reach the upper shelves safely…while they’re talking to you, your numbers are going down and your opportunity to learn a new mechanical task is becoming a pipe dream.

So let’s say you were brought in as a packer; you have to hit whatever projected numbers they have for that before they train you on another task, including picking. So whatever entry-level position you’re brought into is just bullshit for six weeks or however long. I don’t even remember, I know they said it, but I didn’t make it to the learning another task portion of hell, I quit that job so hard. I tried to make it fun, I tried to not care about my numbers, I tried TO care about my numbers, it didn't matter. At the end of the day, I just wanted to come home and sleep because I had been essentially speed walking for nine and a half hours, roughly 7-12 miles per day and my brain hadn't fully turned on all day and my body was exhausted. 

Is Amazon efficient; yup. Are there lots of people who work in their warehouses; yup. Do a lot of them like it; probably. I know people exist on this planet that can do mundane shit all day and then come home and play Playstation or Xbox or whatever, and just shrug it off as ‘life’ and be ok with it, but man, that is so not who I am. I think I’m happy for the experience, but otherwise that place is where dreams go to die and I’m super glad I got out when I did. 

I suppose today's little rant is sponsored by perspective, because without it we just wouldn't know any better. 

Just Be Nice Bro

(I think I’ll have to tackle this topic again another time when I can expand on some of the ideas. I feel like there are some thoughts that aren’t completely fleshed out, but I’ll definitely come back to it. Thanks for reading.)

While I was at lunch yesterday, the conversation came around to kindness and being good to each other. It started somewhere in the vicinity of certain people not having any perspective, where they’re born into a situation where they have all the money and physical things they could ever want and they’re just shitty people. And then you have the other side of the coin where someone grows up with adversity and learns how to be a human being. There are also countless variations in between these two examples, including rich people who aren’t total assholes and poor people that couldn’t get themselves out of the patterns set by their parents and friends.

Basically what we’re talking about here is being kind to your fellow man. Learning what it takes to coexist with everyone else here on the planet and understanding that there will always be the negative to make the positive shine, but if we could figure out how to minimize it, well that would be a great leap for mankind. The discussion drifted to different types of kindness and different motivations to be that way to others. The most obvious and prevalent source of false kindness, in my opinion, comes from religious people. They may very well be some of the most open, loving, sympathetic people on the planet; but why? They’re angling for a spot in Heaven. So it almost seems like bullshit because if there weren’t a ‘reward’, nothing at the end of the line, would you still be nice or would you be out for yours? And it’s interesting to note too, that a lot of people seem to need this type of system where there are rules/structure and meetings and guilt and whatever else, all so you get a better parking spot in Heaven.

I’m not a religious person. That system just doesn't resonate with me, but I also do not begrudge anyone their beliefs. I believe there is energy connecting all of us, and that if you put good energy into the universe, good energy will find it’s way back to you, and if you put shit into the universe, you’ll get shit right back. This idea works for me. I don’t see it as a reward system, though I suppose it could be argued that I would only be doing good deeds in order to have good deeds given back, but that’s just inaccurate. The fact of the matter is that as soon as I made the decision to change my goals and work everyday at something I love to do, it’s been easier to see the ‘good’ opportunities when they arise. If you’re open, you can see and catch things. If you aren’t, it’s much harder to see something wonderful when it’s right in front of you; or even worse, you see it as a burden instead of a gift.

It’s also more fun if everyone is doing well and is happy, so it’s an easy decision to help a friend who’s in a tight spot or to spend a little extra time and let someone blow off some steam if it helps him or her lighten their load. Giving good energy just feels better than giving out shit energy; it has little or nothing to do with the getting it back part. As a matter of fact, it’s almost as if you’re getting it back in that very moment. While you’re being kind and giving love, that exchange of energy is in the air and you are part of it. For me, being kind and wanting my friends to succeed in their endeavors and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt just FEELS better than doing it any other way. If anything, me being kind and generous is selfish, because I love the way it makes me feel to do something nice for someone. I love it when a friend reaches a goal. As I write this I heard that an awesome friend of mine finally got the green light on a project she’s been trying to nail for weeks. So stoked!!

There’s a lot of shitty things that exist in the world guys, but there’s just as many amazing things and we all hold a little of the power to shift the scales.

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress.

Working hard for something we love is called passion.

This is one of a few little combinations of words I’ve decided to live by lately. It was about two weeks ago now I think; I pretty much decided I’d rather be broke and happy than broke and frustrated. Why would anyone want to go to a job they really don’t care about everyday and make just enough money to pay their bills and maybe go out once or twice a month with friends? It boggles my mind, and hurts my heart and my creative spirit. We all only get one chance at this, at least one chance that we’re aware of, and I won’t spend my life performing repetitive tasks that mean nothing to me; packing order A in box B: moving stack A to location B, just to move it back the next day. That’s not how I want to spend my time here.

I had lunch with a friend today and we discussed so so many things but the main thing that ran through my mind during the whole conversation was, ‘I’m so happy to be here in this moment right now’. I felt alive and aware and stimulated and fulfilled. It’s like when you haven’t had a drink of water in a while and you realize you’re thirsty but don’t really know HOW thirsty until you start to take a drink and then the bottle is empty and you’re refilling it in the sink. I think that’s how my mind and heart have been feeling lately. I didn’t really know I was starved for creative conversation and collaborative drive and passion towards a goal, but until I finished that first bottle and started refilling it, I didn’t realize just how long it had been. I’m extremely lucky, too, that I have a new group of friends here and my solid tried and true foundation that aren’t satisfied with the status quo either. Surrounding yourself with other like-minded people is invaluable. Especially because what we’re all doing can be easily argued by anyone with half a brain as irresponsible, reckless, selfish, hopeless…the list goes on. That’s just not how we see it though, and we won’t; we fly high and fall hard. I wouldn’t want it any other way and I’m super happy to be starting this journey with some old reliable warriors and some brand new ones.

I don’t know what my mark will be on the world but I know I’ll be leaving something behind and I look forward to reaching my full potential.